DurAnorak (duranorak) wrote,
DurAnorak
duranorak

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Argh.

I had another huge panic attack at college today.
If you've ever had a panic attack you'll know that they can be quite serious, although if you haven't you might be forgiven for thinking that it's just a neurotic state that should be easily controllable. It's not. I think like that myself sometimes - that they shouldn't be as serious as they are, that I should be able to deal with them much better, that I shouldn't let them affect me at all.
But today I did all the things you're supposed to do. I tried to talk myself down, I tried taking deep slow breaths, counting, singing scales in my head, reciting poetry, sitting quietly with my head down - everything I could think of. And it still hit me very very hard indeed.

I'm trying so hard not to come across as mad at college. I'm trying to get to everything and to control the panic attacks I'm having (averaging one every other day these past few weeks) so that nobody notices. Failed in that one today, but the one who did notice was incredibly lovely about it. I felt terrible. I don't *want* them to see me like that. I don't want them to distance themselves from me because they're worried about what I might do next - even though that's what *I* want to do, and can't.

I tried so hard to get on top of it today and nothing bloody worked and I don't know what to do about the next one except try, and likely fail, again. I'm so tired of hyperventilating and so tired of choking on my tears because I can't breathe and so tired of hurting myself and so tired of being this tired. And I don't know what to do about any of it.

E.
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