I was on my way home from college, via a shopping mall (that doesn't exist in real life) when I was pulled over by a businesslike woman in a suit, who said I had to come with her to take part in a very important social experiment. Somewhat hesitantly I agreed and followed her into an area that resembled the inside of a caravan - a very small hallway painted purple and silver, where I was met by a small blonde woman in a brown dress who introduced herself as the journalist who'd be covering the experiment. She apologised for not being able to tell me anything more about it, but sent me on around the corner to one of the exits of the shopping mall, where I was to wait for someone who would explain a little.
So I leaned against the wall and waited. Shortly, the doors opened to reveal a goth - someone I've never met but who is a friend of many of my friends and on whom I've had a bit of a crush for a while. Let's call him Jesse. He came up and said "Hi, I'm 'Jesse'."
"Yes," said I, "I know. I'm Emily."
"Yes," said he, "I know. I'm here to explain a bit more about why you're here. Tell me," he smiled, "What do you know about me?" I blinked, and then answered truthfully that I knew x, y, z, q and m things about him, and he nodded. "You see...that's quite odd," he said, "Given that we've never met, and yet you know all this about me. That's why you're here." And with that, he set off in the direction of the caravan interior bit, saying "Follow me" as he went. So I did.
Back in the caravan hallway, 'Jesse' disappeared briefly, returning with a Japanese girl whom I knew in my dream to be his girlfriend (I've no idea about real life) - she said "I'm [Jesse]'s girlfriend," and I said, "Yes, I know," and then she told the journalist to send me off to buy a croissant while they finalised their plans. The journalist handed me her wallet, and I went to the nearest cafe to follow my orders - but on returning realised I could hear 'Jesse' and his girlfriend talking, and so I surreptitiously listened in from around the corner. "We could do it with cornflakes," he said, "That would be good." She replied, "Yes, or we could do it with jam. That might work."
"I think the cornflakes."
"You're the boss."
On this note I reappeared with the croissants, and 'Jesse' and his girl opened a big silver door reminiscent of some of those on the Crystal Maze, with a big locking wheel on the front, and went through. I was handed a pair of headphones by the businesslike lady, who told me that I was going to listen to 'Jesse' and his girlfriend having sex on a bed of cornflakes (this seemed perfectly normal in my dream) and that I should put the headphones on now. So I did.
It's a bit hard to describe what the sex sounded like, particularly since it was interspersed with 'Jesse' making bizarre comments about comedy TV shows. Here's a rough guide :
Oh, god *crunch* Yes, yes, *crunch*, yes/I say, the new series of Steptoe & Son has gone downhill a bit hasn't it?/*crunch, crunch*/'Jesse', don't, we're supposed to be being serious/oh, god it's so good/*crunch*/all yours, 'Jesse', *crunch* all yours/I'm still not sure whether I prefer Ronnie Barker in Porridge or just with Ronnie Corbett/*crunch*/tell me you love me, stud/*crunch*/I love you *crunch*...
After a little while of this I took off the headphones and turned to the businesslike woman and said "What on earth is this about?" She replied that it was an experiment of compatability - to see whether, even while he was in the next room having sex with his beautiful girlfriend, 'Jesse' was still a bit attracted to me - and indeed to see whether I was still attracted to him even having heard him have sex with his beautiful girlfriend. I told her that I thought it very unlikely that listening to him have sex would make me less attracted to him, but she indicated to me to put the headphones back on and I thought I'd better do as I was told. The end went word for word like this :
I think John Cleese should have been in Coronation Street/*crunchcrunchcrunch*/Oh god, yes, I'm coming/*crunchcrunch*/That's my girl, you're my pretty little mute, aren't you?/*crunch*/mmmmph, mmmmmmph/*crunchcrunchcrunch*/Benny Hill would have loved you/*crunch*/Oh, Daddy, I'm coming, I'm -/*crunch, crunchcrunchcrunch*/Take it, Lolita, take it, take it, god.../*crunch* *rustle rustle crunch rustle*
Shortly afterwards they emerged from the room, and 'Jesse' looked at me somewhat sheepishly. "What was this all about?", I asked - fairly, I thought. He looked over to where his girlfriend was standing and then looked back to me and mouthed exaggerately 'It was her idea, she's jealous.' Of course, I thought, looking at her myself, because of course she's beautiful and Japanese and...hang on...the real 'Jesse' doesn't have a Japanese girlfriend...
And then I woke up.