DurAnorak (duranorak) wrote,
DurAnorak
duranorak

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And more.

Small party at katyha's yesterday; good to also see adjectivemarcus, dr_d, djm4, jhg, kitty_goth and julietk, and to spend more time with asrana, who has been very good to me.

It should have been a good day, but yesterday I found myself actively suicidal for the first time in really quite a long while. Being a Gemini and incapable of consistent behaviour, I was terrified, and sat quietly in a corner of the room for most of the afternoon/evening, wanting desperately to be around people so I didn't have a chance to go off and do any of the things I wanted to do. I don't know if you'd say that doesn't count as suicidal; I don't really want to know if you think it isn't. All I know is that everything I looked at became something I could hurt myself with, and it frightened me a great deal.
I don't know if I'm better today; I don't feel any better, but on the other hand I've just drunk from a glass without wanting to smash it or anything, so perhaps that's good. I'm still terrified, though. Part of me doesn't want to be on my own *at all* and the rest of me thinks it's much better if I don't inflict this sort of thing on anyone else.

I don't know what else to say. I know this sounds like I'm exaggerating or looking for attention, but I'm not, or at least, not any more than one ever is when one posts to LiveJournal. I'm just so frightened, I can't actually remember the last time I felt like this terribly clearly and I know it passes but I've no idea how long it takes or what I'm going to do in the meantime.

Anyway, much thanks to people for being lovely last night, and I hope the art sells well at Bicon. ~s~

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    So I was just thinking, ugh, I'm too crazy to post another song, why would I even bother anyway, when I was suddenly reminded of a track I had on Now…

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