DurAnorak (duranorak) wrote,
DurAnorak
duranorak

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The trick is to keep breathing.

It really wasn't a good day, you know. And I'd love to be able to say that it wasn't getting to me, but I don't lie and it is.
And there's people who keep saying I've changed all over the place, and sometimes I believe it - sometimes I know it - and today is, oddly enough, one of those times. Because I can remember when this would have been much worse.

Which is all very well, but the fact that this would once have been worse doesn't mean this isn't bad. Maybe I'm dealing with it better - which is great - but it still hurts like a thing that hurts a lot.

I feel like I need help, today. I mean, like saying "Cut for self-harm references" isn't asking for help anyway, but I don't mean it like that - I just know some people prefer not to read about it.
I did cut, earlier, in as much as I ever "cut", and I didn't do it to my usual point of 'breaking', and I don't know whether that's the reason why I still feel like I need to do something about this. 'This' is (mostly) a situation that involves other people and would probably be 'best' handled by us all talking and acting like grown ups, and I'm perfectly capable of doing that, but the thing is, I could talk and talk until I ran out of words and I'd *still* want to finish the cutting.
Which can't be good. But in any case, mum has come home and she's already noticed this morning's scratches ("Are you all right?" "Yes." "Are you all right?" "Yes." etc.) and I think she'd be very upset if I did any more while she was staying here, because she'd feel as helpless as anyone would. I suppose I could do it where she wouldn't see - but shouldn't I rather be trying to overcome the desire to 'finish' it, and move on?
Or even just move on, ignoring the desire to 'finish' it until it's irrelevant again? I don't know.

All of which makes me really wonder whether I should bother with B-Movie tomorrow night, not least because I need somewhere to crash after it (mother doesn't want me coming home late and disturbing her) and I don't know where I'd go. (Any sensible offers?) Or what to wear. Or whether I'll be able to behave like the sensible adult people keep telling me I'm turning into.

~sigh~ I wish someone had the answers, but I know nobody does.

E.
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