Picture this.
Side by side in the car together, giggling silly conversations half about BDSM and half just for the sake of it. Avoiding looking at him, partly because he wouldn't see and partly to avoid as much of the memory of spontaneously kneeling to him as possible. After all, I only did it so he could read my badges. Later I will nearly mention it, and not, in fact. Now, I bury my face in her shoulder and try to laugh.
Wincing at the noise (I'm sure it was music really) as the headache gets worse. Drinking water slowly in the hopes that I won't have to loosen my corset tonight. Watching people arrive; harmless people, the Camgoth Vampyre, then
devalmont. He breezes past, avoiding one or two attempts to say hello before I can catch him in uneasy conversation. Thank goodness for comedians to break the ice. I try not to stare, and to leave the clothes and the make up where they are, in my head. Like always, it's amusing when I fall over. Bloody Jarvis.Then
the_lady_lily arrives, wearing PVC gloves and an air of falsely lighthearted mystery. I'll find out later, apparently. I should have seen it coming; didn't. We talk; the world generates a surje, and then scy11a generates 'Martin' by Soft Cell. I dance, coming back to find a robinbloke. Things are beautiful for a little while. They always are.More people - I can't remember what order, or who, really. Suddenly I hear the soaring notes of 'Subtext' by Swarf (if you're reading this,
mrph, no, it was this one, it *is* on CD) and so I have to dance. I don't know the lyrics, or I'd have been singing them at him. So beautiful. So...everything. Anyway, dancing. I leave the dancefloor and wind up talking to taser_panda. Things are strange between us, as they always are, but less inherently nasty than they used to be. I try to explain that I'm happy for her while not being remotely impressed with the actions of anyone involved in the whole mess over the past year, including my own. I think it comes off rather like comradeship; perhaps not. No matter.At some point I notice that she has arrived. I try not to look at her. I will, though, be doing enough staring later.
Vince and his lady arrive, coming up the stairs hand in hand. I smile, though I remark afterwards that that's what corsets are for, to hold in the pieces of your heart.
I try to dance to 'I Am The Rain' but it only makes me miss
olethros and then rage in the general direction of Vince, who was making admiring remarks about my corset. Damn him, if only he wanted me that little bit more. But he doesn't. Then he and I are dancing to 'Cathouse'; but not together, any more. We don't dance together all night. I suppose this means it is over, whatever it was.deliberateblank has a set next and for the first few songs the cheese flies thick and fast: 'Venus', 'Take On Me' (which I avoid, choosing instead to talk to eviltwinemma, who seems inordinately pleased to see me), 'Dancing With Tears In My Eyes' (that was a Vince song, but he declined to dance, so I survived), 'Here Comes The Rain Again' (blackmetalbaz, leaning up against the wall looking lost, nearly makes me leave the dancefloor to talk to him, but it is the only Eurythmics song I like, and besides, he's not looking at me), followed by something I don't know. Where do I end up? At the High Table, with the_lady_lily and her...whatever she is. We talk at short length about people and crushes - tell me something I didn't know, or tell me something that won't hurt at least - and then back to the dancefloor. 'Adrenaline', which is pure joy. 'Darrell & Alicia', which never is, but is a verse and a chorus of feeling hugely uncomfortable and then suddenly a verse of screaming outrage. "All those detractors that scream in my ears, I keep my desires for Darrell and Alicia"...every time I dance to that it seems like I am shouting my defiance at a world in which one bad person can ruin the lives of a hundred or a thousand good ones. Whereas in reality I am only silently miming the words and trying to stay inside my corset. Ah well.The setlist takes a turn for the depressive (though not, particularly, to me) so I sit out and talk with people I love and avoid looking at other ones. And then it's 'Cuts You Up' and I would be locked in memories of blue-white pain were it not for the dear boy who gets up to dance in the most hilariously pretentious way I have ever seen, next to me. Instead I end the song laughing, for the first time in over a year.
Back to the table. I try not to be as irritated as I feel, letting most of it wash over me. Suddenly someone taps me on the shoulder, and I turn to see someone I've never met. She starts with "You are the most beautiful thing any of us have ever seen" and continues like this for some time, telling me I make corsets seem worthwhile, that I look like a painting, that I'm gorgeous, beautiful...she all but runs out of words, trips herself up with the ones she has left, tells me to have a great night and then goes to the bar. I am stunned, and touched, and amazed, and have said as much.
I watch her embarrassing a wine bottle and wonder what I'm doing wrong, if everything I was just told is true. Ah well. I look unconvincing in a suit, anyway.
Later, I dance to 'Another World' because of what
ghoti has said to me, not particularly because I like it. Then run away quickly so I can avoid 'Jesus Christ Superstar' as told by Laibach. Too silly, I think. A few minutes later I am on the dancefloor bouncing to 'Magic Dance' from Labyrinth. devalmont is a very silly man.Oh, was there music. '(I Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight' (not looking at anyone...just in case), 'Union Of The Snake' (what can I say?), 'Peekaboo' ("she'll do what you want her to", not that it matters to you), then later 'I'm Afraid Of Americans' and a remix of 'Closer' that would have destroyed me even more than usual had it not had bits of 'Baby One More Time' included. Nevertheless I bear a few scratches. The boy with the silly dancing was trying so hard to catch my eye. It was sweet. I looked at the DJ booth and it stared back. I looked at Vince, but not for long. I looked at
robinbloke; I blame Trent.I couldn't quite bring myself to dance to 'That's The Way (I Like It)' - even Pete Burns can't quite make aerobics sexy - but then I heard some bass notes I recognised. Uttely, completely stunned, I fell onto the dancefloor for 'Starburst' by the Venus Hunters. In case you're not aware, this is the song from a very silly TV programme called 'Hunting Venus', starring Neil Morrissey, Martin Clunes and others as ex-members of a fictional New Romantic band. I danced, my migraine lifted, I smiled and spun around with joy. Techno 'Phantom Of The Opera' soon after, complete with drunken wailing from annoying trendies. I did consider throwing something over them, but decided it's too hard to fight in a corset. Ah well.
And so on. Waved around in a pretentious manner to 'Stay' and 'Wuthering Heights'. Reacquainted myself with the joys of Mortiis. Tried to help a suffering
macrina and failed, partly due to not being able to get near her. Snuggled with nisaba a little, and sighed a lot, and whined about Vince, as you do. He wasn't going to say goodbye to me. Missed people who weren't there, gently fended off drunken flirting from People Who Should Know Better, wondered how she could be so stupid and carefully didn't take advantage of the bits of the situation that I could have taken advantage of.And then home. For a surprisingly comfortable, unsurprisingly comforting half hour or so of warmth and something that might have been friendship, and then sleep.
Oh, and pizza. And bad hair metal.
Sorry. I've been missing writing, and so I just had to get that out of my system.
E.
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