DurAnorak (duranorak) wrote,

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This morning I am disjointed and adrift, a little. Don't mind me.

Morning. I've spent most of the last few hours reading Poppy Z. Brite's 'Exquisite Corpse', because I was curious. Now my head is full of questions. ~s~ But I won't bother you with them. Suffice to say, good book, must own - like all the others of hers I've read.

My head is empty of one question though. With - sort of - the answer I wanted.
Just making it easier to back away.
I could write a verse or two but there wouldn't be much point. Hope is an odd thing. Still here.
The tiny voice in my head that is confidence. Must crush it. Disappointment and humiliation are much worse than thinking you're useless, being as how they're *knowing* you are.

And on the other hand, hope is an odd thing, still not here. We're lovers, really, I can wake up in the morning and know it, but I can't for a moment believe it's real or that it will last beyond the afternoon. And this is ludicrous, really damn silly, but yesterday, looking for something for the house, I say "I don't live here" and he says "well you nearly do" and I apologise, wanting to keep saying sorry for hours and hours, because he doesn't want me living here. We've had *that* conversation, goodness knows, not that I thought it would turn out any different.
I don't want to be alone. Will I, in ten years' time? Does it make a difference? Or am I just fundamentally different in my not wanting to be alone? It seems more likely, and oh look, I keep finding or making more reasons to run away.

Not in a nagging or pressuring way, but I do wish azekeil would write back to me. It was a good way of keeping myself slightly perky and distracted, as well as just being really interesting.

I'd no idea some of this was visible again. I wonder why.

All in all not too cheerful. Which is just weird when you wake with the sun on your face and a beautiful man at your side. I didn't sleep too well, though, I didn't seem to be able to stop dreaming - kept waking up and then disappearing into a new one. Maybe that's why I feel so odd today. Maybe it's just that everything I've read since coming online has made my heart sink further. Maybe both. ~s~

Shutting up now, honest.


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