I decided nobody really cares what I've been doing and there's not much point talking about how I've been feeling, since the people who could do something seem determined not to and everyone else, well, can't do anything. ~s~ However, this business about The Calling is a bit more relevant to people, I guess. So.
I'd like to state very clearly at the beginning of this that my reasons are "valid" in as much as any thoughts or feelings, however bizarre, are "valid". I do not wish to claim that they're valid in any way beyond that. There is much pettiness, irrationality and sheer nonsense here. I am aware of that, and really don't need it pointed out to me.
Do you follow me? I am trying to avoid the comments of a "I think you take things too much to heart" nature, and the ones of a "But you know no-one's doing this to hurt you" nature. I am much more self-aware than people realise - I think they think I can't possibly be self-aware because I'm so hopeless, but there are two steps to being what other people want me to be - self-awareness and then ability to *change* myself, which I seriously lack.
Blah blah, blah. Blah! Blah. Don't tell me anything I already know.
And now for actual reasons.
| Vince |
Where to start? Since first seeing Vince I've been kind of besotted with him, and since first talking to him I've loved him really quite a lot. I was quite aware that he's known as Captain Unattainable, and of at least half the reason for it, but he was nevertheless lovely to me for months - it's seemed like we were getting closer and he did kiss me after one Calling, but, y'know, friendly-like, I guess. Because at the last Calling he told me I should stop caring about him because it would make things easier. I've heard that before, often, at school, and it never hurts any less. I can't stop caring about him but I guess I can stop being around him. I don't think he realised at any point just how deep my feelings for him were. I suppose that's good. I don't know.
And, in a sub-category of its own,
| Vince dancing |
Yes. I know. I know nisaba has known him for years and years and I know nobody does it on purpose. But for some reason I can't watch her dancing with him any more without feeling like someone's removing my heart with an apple-corer, and I know she gets exasperated with me for being upset by it, so I think the best thing I can do is just put myself out of its way. I've run off the dancefloor in the middle of songs I love too many times now. Enough.
Speaking of songs I love,
| The music |
Guest DJs at The Calling are great. You never know what they're going to come out with and if you don't like the music then at least you can admire their style or whatever. scy11a is wonderful and has never played a set I didn't like. zotz *has* played sets I didn't like, but has never ever played a set I didn't admire.
And now Loki is the other resident DJ and suddenly I don't feel so sure that I'll enjoy the music at The Calling any more. I must admit that this last Calling he did play quite a good set, but the two previous ones of his I've suffered through made me want to flamethrow the DJ booth, so "quite good" isn't quite good enough. I'm sorry, 'cause I know this is uncharitable, but I find him creepy and unpleasant and I don't like the way he DJs. I can listen to Echo Beach and Blue Monday at home, with the added advantage that they won't have bits of random shit mixed in with them.
| Three people is two people too fucking many |
eviltwinemma -ricochet- blackmetalbaz -ricochet- grahamb. rathenar -ricochet- jinxx -ricochet- wildeabandon. duncanneko -ricochet- velvetfox -ricochet- grahamb. And so on, and so on, and so on. And I always know and love all the people concerned and I'm quite happy to deal with and help and cuddle them separately, but all of them in the same place at the same time is just too much, before you even factor in all the alcohol.
| Alix |
Yes, she did talk to me at the last Calling - something for which I am profoundly grateful. But for the last three months or so I've been absolutely frantic with worry over why she wouldn't speak to me, and she's now said that she wants to talk to me but not in a club-type setting, so hopefully I can arrange to meet up with her elsewhere and we won't have surrounding us the memories of three months of agonised silence.
| Andrew |
Every time I see daneel_olivaw, twenty-seven new layers of feelings slap me round the face. This is unfortunate enough without adding some of the things that came to light last Calling. He has no time anyway and I think I'll be doing him a favour by being around less. Give him space to concentrate on the people he does have time for.
| Money |
I've been spending money like water lately. To buy tickets to go up to Cambridge, yes, but I won't stop that, because there are still people there I want to see. However. A lot of the money has gone on clothes. Because The Calling is the only club at which I really care about what I'm wearing. I simply can't afford to keep buying outfits. I don't care how bizarre or shallow that seems, I can't keep up with you lot and so I give up. The new clothes are the only things that have kept people from noticing how very much less attractive than everyone else there I am anyway. Really. :)
| Denny |
If he's going to pull some horrendous Woodstock refugee at The Calling, I don't want it to happen when I'm distraught in a corner. If he's going to fall over repeatedly over anyone, he has my blessing (well, for most people) but I don't much want to see it happening - especially not at The Calling where the chances are *I* will have feelings for the person he's successfully pulling. Unless of course they're a revolting Woodstock throwback. But oh well. I know this won't be an issue for a while anyway, but it was such a big issue at the Calling before last that it was part of what finally decided me. I am insecure and hopeless. Shoot me.
| Graham Clark, John, Raven |
Graham Clark has left. John is not there. Raven left ages ago and I'm still not over it. They're absences that will make themselves felt more and more. Ouch, god damn it.
| Senses Working Overtime |
Do you have any idea - even the smallest idea - of how many people at that stupid club I care for enough that I'd drop everything and run to their side any time? How many of them I find so beautiful or gorgeous that it hurts every time I look at them? How many of them it just hurts to be near because I care about them so much? No? You don't?
It's a very silly number of people.
I don't think anyone wants the indignity of being listed. (List available on request, though, naturally.) Suffice to say the number totals over fifty people who are either regulars at The Calling or who have been there when I've been there. Fifty people? Fifty? Fifty people with the ability to make me double over in pain crying that I want to go home? Most of whom tend to be in the same place at the same time, plus alcohol?
That's a really good reason to stop going, in my book.
Anyway, that's enough of that. asrana is coming over (yay!) and then hatter is. (Yay yay!) And then tomorrow, rollercoasters. Life is ok.