I wonder how many of my LJ entries have started with some variant of "Well, that was abortive." This would have been another one, only it wasn't. But it was. Er, abortive, I mean.
The Calling was horrible, even though I'd been looking forward to it. The music didn't help. Not that I blame the guitars for all of it, but, y'know. Guitars, ick. :)
And then the next day went all wrong as well. Much thanks to rathenar, and later Oliver, and even later pinkdormouse and davefish and people, for best efforts to make me feel better. It worked, for a while. rathenar really went above and beyond, feeding me chocolate cake and inflicting silly zombie movies on me and being wonderful at me. I wish I could have been more use to her.
Yesterday I remembered that someone I know said a while back that if I ever really wanted to die, I should go to them. And I said that I probably would. I'd forgotten, weirdly enough - it's the sort of thing I should have thought I'd remember. Maybe I just forgot 'cause things were going pretty well for a while and it wasn't knowledge I needed. Certainly when I remembered yesterday, it was when I was thinking "I wish there was some easy way of doing it that I didn't have to be too involved in or work up courage for". The memory just slotted into place, and I thought "Hey, I wonder if they'd still be up for that."
Essentially, it's all gone a bit wrong, really. I managed to completely forget it was one partner's birthday at The Calling because I was having such a horrible evening. At least partly because I appear to have such strong feelings for some random bloke who dances quite well that I have to leave the dancefloor during songs I like because watching him dance with other people upsets me so much. Right. I haven't seen another partner for a month and that's just awful, though I know there have been perfectly practical and valid reasons for my not seeing him. It's just that knowing that doesn't help the fact that I feel neglected and unwanted. But hey, that's just my lovely insecurities talking. My other partner breaks my heart on a regular basis due to there being something he genuinely can't help caring about much more than he does about me. And in return over him I am clingy, needy, jealous, possessive, insecure, paranoid, you name it. Three cheers for healthy relationships. Meanwhile, someone I love more than many people is not just fed up with me but has behind my back dismissed me as being insensitive and not caring about how she feels, my family despise what I am, what I do and who I do it with, and are about to stop giving me money, my friends don't feel comfortable caring about me, and I have found and lost forever the only person who might really have saved me from feeling like this, instead of just postponing it for a while. I've lost the chance of beautiful relationships through the lifestyle I've chosen and people I love are about to disappear out of my life without even knowing I love them. Two people I care deeply about won't speak to me and won't tell me why, someone I love and would have loved to get involved with appears to have got involved with someone who is essentially me only thinner and cuter, I've lost most of my characters, the man with whom I practically had a blood pact doesn't even remember, or care enough to call any more. I'm depressed because people I respect don't respect me because they think I'm always depressed - fun, isn't it? - and the only people who seem interested in me at the moment are people who qualify every statement with "if I wasn't monogamous". They're tiny problems, mostly. They're all tiny, tiny problems. Yes. wildeabandon, if you wish to point out again that my life is great while yours sucks like a Dyson, you can do it to my face this time, I'll freely admit almost anything anyone wants me to at the moment, because today I don't really care any more. I've gone through so much in the last year and where has it got me? A beautiful June day, coming up to my birthday, with three partners and a lot of people who claim, at least, to care for me. All things other people would pray or kill or sell their souls for.
And I still can't see the point in living. Just can't see the point. The future is horrifying for me, not just because I don't know what it holds but because I'm pretty sure it won't get any *better* than this, and this is not enough. For me to want to stay alive.
And I remembered yesterday that I've got an easy way out, if my friend's still up for it. So I shall go home this weekend, see my family (which is likely to further convince me there's no point, frankly) and then come back and have a chat with them and see if they're still prepared to do it. Because this is all just silly, and it's a waste of everyone's time continually worrying about me when things just aren't going to get any better.
I don't know, having written this, how serious I am this time. Fairly, I suspect. In any case, I remember wildeabandon saying to me recently that once you start actually planning how to get it done, which I suppose this is, really, it's generally considered a bad thing. But I won't be surprised if I'm here in six months writing the same sort of thing, either. ~shrug~
A little later, I just feel silly for posting this, but mainly, I think, because most of the problems sound so petty when they're written down that frankly I expect anyone who reads this to just laugh at me. Oh well, whatever, won't be the first time.