pensiveThen I sat watching Queer As Folk on DVD, looking at Cameron (a character I've always disliked) and wondering why on earth I wanted to give him a big hug.
I don't normally have a tendency to want to hug the bad guys - especially if they're bad guys I'm not all that fond of. I have no feelings toward Agent Smith and I really don't like Cameron. I couldn't understand it.
And then I realised they share a facial expression, a closed-mouthed smile/smirk, that I've seen before, recently, closer to home than the other side of a screen. And then I wondered why there was such a wrenching emotional reaction. And then I thought, "heh. that's just me." And it is.
See, this person...I don't really know them. And every time I say anything to them I worry that they're going to see how much emotion is behind my words and actions and just run. And if they did I wouldn't understand it, but I wouldn't be surprised, either, because people have done it before. I think almost everyone is somewhat taken aback by how emotional I can be, by how quickly I can develop strong feelings for someone. But explaining that I'm like that about almost everyone I know is very difficult to do without making it sound like nobody's special. It's that horrible "you're unique, everyone's unique" thing. I always hated people saying that to me, because it's the sort of thing cynicism feeds on.
I'm not frightened of him knowing how much I care about him. I'm frightened of him reacting badly to it. A lot of people can't understand how I can care so much about them when I've only just met them, and I couldn't explain it if I tried very hard. I just...love. And it's a fairly deep and expansive love, it's a love that encompasses...I started to list things and then figured it's a fairly standard list. But maybe it isn't. Maybe that's just for me. Or maybe it is standard but most people don't have that kind of relationship with as many of the people they know as I do.
What I want is for the love I feel and the caring I give out to touch someone and for them to first believe it, then accept it, then delight in, use and trust it - as I'd say has happened with
rathenar. But I never seem to be able to gauge whether someone will respond like that, or run away shrieking "She wants to fucking marry me!", or what - I think mainly because I don't understand why anyone would react negatively to being loved.Anyway, ramble. But I feel this way about more than one person at the moment - holding back loving someone as much as I want to because I'm afraid they'll freak out at me or tell me to get a life or whatever - and while this particular post-thought started with
daneel_olivaw, it could have been one of a number of people. And I really don't like it.Sigh.
E.
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