So things haven't been great lately. I managed to work out some of the reasons, and also the reason I've been so unable to cope with the lack of greatness, i.e., there's been nobody around to help. Except dennyd, and he's been wonderful, but the weekend when I actually went to pieces he was a bit less than that, so it explains some things. duncanneko has had his hands full with the Amazing Bouncing Relationship, and wechsler has been busy moving, and asrana has had exam stress and so has wildeabandon, and that's sort of all the people I usually turn to, really. And they've all been busy and stressed and worried by their own things. Hopefully, some of that should calm down soon. But then, one man's "soon" is another man's "too late", so...well, I hope.
~weary sigh~ Oh, I don't know. No, I really don't. Normally I at least have some idea, but normally the people I'm involved with - am I involved, here? - well, they...they care a bit more. Not about me, just about everything. All the things you warned me about, it was all true, just in a completely different way from how I heard you say them. And I thought I'd be able to tell. And this time I just don't have a clue. And it's sort of left me whimpering in limbo repeatedly chasing my tail but not at all sure I want to catch it.
~sigh~ It's an evening for listening to songs that make me think of people. I nearly went ahead and tried to put the Oysterband CD on, but then I thought that might be pushing things just a little. So I stuck with WinAmp. The playlist reads like this :
Apoptygma Berzerk - Until The End Of The World (moomintroll)
Black Tape For A Blue Girl - I Have No More Answers (grahamb)
Covenant - Go Film (grahamb)
Danielle Dax - Cathouse (Vince)
Electric Six - Danger (High Voltage) (grahamb)
Felix Da Housecat - Happy Hour (kitty_goth)
Jefferson Airplane - Go Ask Alice (kitty_goth)
KLF - Last Train To Trancentral (kitty_goth)
Kylie Minogue - Come Into My World (hatter; don't ask)
London After Midnight - Psycho Magnet (Vince)
March Violets - Snake Dance (Extended) (Vince)
Mick Harvey - Initials B.B. (zotz)
Nine Inch Nails - The Only Time (Oh, count the people. Mainly hatter, robinbloke, duncanneko, dennyd.)
Peter Murphy - Cuts You Up (moomintroll)
Rammstein - Engel (wechsler)
Real Life - Send Me An Angel (ladycat)
Rosetta Stone - Adrenaline (Vince)
Sisters Of Mercy - Marian (grahamb)
VNV Nation - Beloved (olethros)
By no means the only songs I have that make me think of people, even on MP3, but some of the most poignant. I suppose it's going to be very much my fault if I end up depressing myself, but I don't think I will. Just...thinking of people. Not unhappily.
But, oh, you. So little time with you and you don't even know how I feel about you - and I know you won't read this, although I think you do still technically read my journal. I wish, I wish, I wish you weren't going away. I keep thinking I should have done something to make you want to stay and then realising just how absurd that thought is and how little I could possibly mean to you, and although that doesn't upset me, it's the reason I never said anything. Well, that and how much you complained when the last person did. Whoever they were. You know what? It could have been emomisy. We had an evil plan, once.
And Vince. Will he even remember that he kissed me, and does it matter, and does he mind, and why did he, and is he just as blasted laid-back as some other people I know, and how do they all do it anyway? ~sigh~
And it's hard when you care so much about people so suddenly - I mean, it's hard enough when you care so much about people so suddenly - without knowing that they do the same thing but it's led them to caring about somebody else. Well, of course it has - it's only common sense, really. But reaching out to try to catch someone who's trying to angle their fall towards someone else who's looking in the right direction but has their hands completely full...well. I'm not sure if the anticipation of the impact hurts more than the impact itself. I suspect it hurts *me* more, but it's likely to be vice versa for the faller. ~sigh~ Well, whatever. There's not a lot more I can do.
It's funny. 'Beloved' by VNV Nation is a beautiful song, the music is uplifting, and when I hear it I see olethros dancing in a world all his own on the dancefloor at The Calling, and it's beautiful and joyful and wonderful. Why does it still break my heart? Oh well. ~hugs~ to the pretty Irish one who doesn't read my journal.
And here was jealousy and a little hurt and bitterness, but it's not really important. After all, I don't know him, and I wouldn't want to be the only one with a hold on *him* (no matter what I sometimes think) and...and I can't even remember why I was jealous of her this time. Oh yes. You kissed him, at Whitby, while I sat there and watched and wished I had the sheer gall to do anything like that, but he was so drunk he might not even have remembered who I am, while it's so hard to forget you.
That's probably enough. I've got some thoughts out - particularly the sixth 'paragraph', it's really about time I said some of that, I just wish I could say it to his face. And that he'd care at all.
And some people don't half have a nerve. But that is a story for another time, or rather, dot_cattiness, I suspect.