DurAnorak (duranorak) wrote,
DurAnorak
duranorak

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"...and it ain't me who's gonna leave"....oh, well, maybe it is. ~sigh~



The other night I had a crisis of conscience. I didn't know what to do. So I did nothing. I don't know how guilty to feel.
What I saw might well not have been what was actually happening. So I didn't want to step in and have people angry with me over something I'd misunderstood. Also, I couldn't judge my motives accurately enough. Was I wanting to warn this girl because I didn't want her to go through what I'd gone through, or because I didn't want her to have what I'd had?
I still don't know.
I think my motives were good, actually. I'm almost sure. I just wasn't sure enough at the time.

She looked so...*new*. So young and so faux-streetwise - much worse than I ever looked. It's easier when you're six feet tall. Even when you look uncomfortable, you don't *shrink* like that.
She looked so young. And I overheard enough to know that she doesn't know many of the relevant people. And I thought, "please, please don't make the same mistake I did. Just don't."
And I don't know if she did or not.

I so nearly reached across to her, just to introduce myself, ask who she was, just to *know*. In case her name comes up. In case she's got a LiveJournal I could ghostwatch. Because she looked sweet. In case she needs friends.
But I didn't. She looked at the floor and at her hands and at the holes in her tights and didn't try to catch anyone's eye. So I didn't feel as though it would have been a good idea.
And I didn't know what I wanted to say.

And perhaps all my anxiety is misplaced. For one reason or another. I do hope so.

The title of this post bears no reference to the above ramble, but I *am* feeling a bit "This town ain't big enough" today. Not about whoever this poor girl was though.

Just that there's another kitten. And because she's cuter and sexier and more outgoing than I am they're all going to stop wanting me and start wanting her. Which makes sense and is all perfectly right and proper. I just wish it wasn't going to happen.

Why can't my brain accept the idea that they might want *both* of us? Why does it *always* have to be a competition in which one person comes first and everyone else loses completely?

Later : Whatever else this post says about me, I can't help feeling it's a good thing that I can know that what I'm thinking (towards the end) isn't right, even though I don't understand why I think it or know how to stop thinking it.
It's a big advance on previous months. I don't care if it's hyper-analysis, I feel pleased with myself for being able to fight the demons just a little.

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