indescribable
dennyd. There's so much I don't understand; why, when we clearly have x effect on one another, when we clearly make one another feel y or z way, he won't offer me the security of what he knows I consider a relationship. I don't know if he realises that what I want has calmed down considerably from how it was a couple of months ago; ye gods, a couple of months ago, somewhere at the back of my mind, I was still thinking in terms of ownership.
Actually, it's sort of difficult to stop when people keep saying "mine" at you. But I know when two of them are playing, now, and discount everything the other one says after two pints or ten o'clock, whichever comes quicker.
I guess at the moment nobody needs any extra stress - this Friends list nonsense on LJ at the moment is ludicrous, but perhaps better than everyone screaming at one another face to face.
~sigh~ I've just read
feanelwa's response to my comment. I wish she'd told me to shut up at the time. I'm absolutely destroyed by what she said, I called her because I wanted to help and I wasn't sure that at that hour anyone else was going to, and if I wasn't helping I wish she'd told me to stop and go away. Or at least not saved up what I said and thrown it back in my face like this.(And while we're here,
giolla's not replying to my comment, even with something negative. But perhaps I should have expected that. Still, for once, I think he's being sillier than I am. Heh.)So, yes. I guess nobody needs any more stress right now, so that's a good excuse for Denny to get out of dealing with anything more serious than having another cute semi-goth girl he can summon to his bed by clicking his fingers - I know that's all most of the guys I'm vaguely involved with want anyway.
Except, I think, Wechsler (though what he does want is a mystery, of course). Which is one of the reasons I'd really like to fold up in his arms at the moment. But I can't, and won't see him for a while - however short a while, it's going to be too long by several days. I need comfort right *now*, and there's nowhere I can get it from, and I don't know what the hell to do.
And I don't know how to make things up to
feanelwa. I'm horrified to think that I upset her that much.I feel wrecked, now, literally as if something's driven over me and sheared me in half.
Oh well. Singing lesson later this afternoon. Um. Think I'm going to fall apart now.
E.
x
