There's so much I don't understand; why, when we clearly have x effect on one another, when we clearly make one another feel y or z way, he won't offer me the security of what he knows I consider a relationship. I don't know if he realises that what I want has calmed down considerably from how it was a couple of months ago; ye gods, a couple of months ago, somewhere at the back of my mind, I was still thinking in terms of ownership.
Actually, it's sort of difficult to stop when people keep saying "mine" at you. But I know when two of them are playing, now, and discount everything the other one says after two pints or ten o'clock, whichever comes quicker.
I guess at the moment nobody needs any extra stress - this Friends list nonsense on LJ at the moment is ludicrous, but perhaps better than everyone screaming at one another face to face.
~sigh~ I've just read feanelwa's response to my comment. I wish she'd told me to shut up at the time. I'm absolutely destroyed by what she said, I called her because I wanted to help and I wasn't sure that at that hour anyone else was going to, and if I wasn't helping I wish she'd told me to stop and go away. Or at least not saved up what I said and thrown it back in my face like this.
(And while we're here, giolla's not replying to my comment, even with something negative. But perhaps I should have expected that. Still, for once, I think he's being sillier than I am. Heh.)
So, yes. I guess nobody needs any more stress right now, so that's a good excuse for Denny to get out of dealing with anything more serious than having another cute semi-goth girl he can summon to his bed by clicking his fingers - I know that's all most of the guys I'm vaguely involved with want anyway.
Except, I think, Wechsler (though what he does want is a mystery, of course). Which is one of the reasons I'd really like to fold up in his arms at the moment. But I can't, and won't see him for a while - however short a while, it's going to be too long by several days. I need comfort right *now*, and there's nowhere I can get it from, and I don't know what the hell to do.
And I don't know how to make things up to feanelwa. I'm horrified to think that I upset her that much.
I feel wrecked, now, literally as if something's driven over me and sheared me in half.
Oh well. Singing lesson later this afternoon. Um. Think I'm going to fall apart now.