DurAnorak (duranorak) wrote,
DurAnorak
duranorak

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"It's times like these you learn to live again..."

Actually that's a bit optimistic for me just now, but I dearly love the song ~fires up Kazaa~ and I do feel quite a bit better today - not least for knowing there's an entirely natural reason for my having been so angsty yesterday. ~wry smile~

Also if I could draw your attention to this? ~grin, bounce~ I don't really need to tell most of you how seeing that made me feel.

And then there's the e-mail I got last night, and the fact that my computer's currently playing Rammstein's 'Engel' at me. ~smile~ Reminding me that at some point I owe myself the "Go me" to end all "Go me"s...

And also, that "list the people you've shagged" meme? Well, clearly I couldn't do that, and I got very fed up with it, so I ended up doing my own version - which is a list of the people who've rocked my world or shaken up my life, done in a similar way.


Number 1 was a beautiful blonde-haired blue-eyed thing who was a whole eight years old! I was five, and he seemed so grown-up...

2 was my best friend when I was seven and the first boy I fell in love with, the first to break my heart. He was very beautiful and had a voice I'd kill to hear again, sardonic as anything.

3 I first saw playing the role of Master Splinter in a TMHT game on the school field. He was an angelic choirboy type and from the age of eight until very recently (when I heard he'd become a greasy sk8er boi) he was extremely dear to me. Maybe I just liked him for his niceness. Ah well.

4 was a boy three years above me who caused me at the age of nine to choose the brand of toothpaste I still use, because it was the same as his surname.

5 was a pale-skinned, dark-haired musician who used to write songs for me, play me my favourite music on the chapel piano, and used me as a go-between in his never-to-be relationship negotiations with my best friend. Agony. I would still give a great deal to talk with him again.

6 went through a prep school marriage ceremony with another close friend of mine, and was charmingly insane. I'd love to meet him now and see what he ended up doing.

[In here there should be a mention of an American boy who was the first to give me a tiny bit of confidence. He called me 'Dove' (because I'd asked to be called it - but I hadn't asked *him*, his sister had told him, making fun of me, and he'd thought it was sweet and remembered, when he next saw me). He was gorgeous as only an American boy can be.]

7 was a gorgeous boy with dark skin and a deep, deep voice (at the age of 12...thud) who played Macbeth opposite me in my final year at prep school and actually turned out to be a complete prat. There's a surprise. He used more hair gel than should have been legal.

8...I'll come back to.

9 was the first girl I had feelings for, and was surprisingly good about it when I told her. She moved to France and we kept in touch for quite a while...she'd write me letters about the cute guys in shorts she could see from her bedroom window. ~smile~

10 was the first girl in a year other than mine to welcome me to Roedean (my secondary school) though she never remembered that. One day practising for House Netball she was kind to me and suddenly I was head over fucking heels. She was gorgeous, tall, relatively butch, and apparently never actually hated me, but I was convinced she did and I'd hide from her whenever possible - somewhere where I could still see her, obviously...

11 - someone else who was kind to me just after I'd arrived at school, who quickly became my best friend. She was an incredibly special, brilliant person, and from what I've heard more recently it sounds as though it's not impossible that we might have become closer. Had she lived.

12 was a friend of hers who I never cared about as much as I pretended to, but who I now love much more than I did when I was seeing her. My first (and only) girlfriend, she put up with a fuck of a lot from me. I hope I never again treat anyone else that way.

13 was a friend of theirs who enchanted me from the moment I set eyes on her. She wasn't anything she claimed to be but she was beautiful as a butterfly caught in a dew-wet spider's web and in my heart I'll always love her, but I could never trust her again.

14 was number 8, really, but he and I never actually got together while I was at prep school, instead breaking up my and 12's relationship when I started seeing him at age fourteen. Immature as only a Games Workshop addict can be, he looked like Britney Spears, which was a very bad thing, and I hope I never see him again.

15 was 11's cousin, who I was everso scared of when I first met her and didn't stop being for many years. She was like a confined thunderstorm and very funny, and she put up with me, which was impressive if you'd known me then...

16 was an extraordinary acquaintance of 11, 12 and 13's who taught me many, many things, including what it's really like to have your heart repeatedly broken, and how to write better poems than the ones I was writing about *him*. I never thought I'd see him or speak to him again, but life has a funny way of springing things like that on me and now, I think, everything's going the way it should have.

17 was a very unhappy, very masculine girl who took me under her battered wing when she heard I was cutting myself and gave me reasons not to do it, including her own experiences which had left her with more scars than 26 currently has, at the age of 16. I was very much in love with her but I just wasn't her type and she had a girlfriend anyway, who decided shortly after they left school that actually she was straight. ~sigh~

18 was my best friend and I'll still never understand how I felt about her. She was beautiful and heartless, a total slut who could and did get away with anything, and the sympathy with which she treated me was worse than any contempt she could have shown.

[Here there should be a mention of a laughing, fucking gorgeous girl who I never really cared about that much but who was the first person to make me feel actual desire. I had a mad crush on her for months which disappeared as suddenly as it appeared.]

19 was my ice-shard black-sapphire-eyed white-skinned school-nemesis, although when I fell for her originally, there was nothing so sinister. But as the years went on I fell deeper and deeper and she had no time for the way I felt. She was aggressively straight and made homophobic jokes even though she knew we knew she didn't really feel that way. I don't know. We sort of made up before I left, but things with her were nasty to say the least.

20 was a beautiful boy I encountered online, who I will almost certainly never meet but who was nearly the catalyst for me committing suicide aged seventeen (just). He affects a lot of people that strongly, for some reason.

21 is a lovely girl who talked long into the night with me about fanfic and many other silly things. I always hoped for a relationship and there were some tortured phonecalls for a while, but now she's doing her own thing and, while I really miss talking to her, she has my blessing whatever she ends up getting up to.

22 was a sweet and fairly hopeless boy who I thought I was in love with but who was actually just the first guy to treat me decently. However, there wasn't much to him beyond soppiness so soppy you'd have needed a sorcerer's-apprentice-style army of mops to clean him up, and an endearingly misguided approach to communism.

23 was this amazing man with amazing hair and amazing makeup and without him...without him I'd probably have one friend, right now, if that. I think some of you probably know him.

24 was the most captivating individual I've ever had the privilege to encounter, in many ways. I think the obsession has just about died down now, but a few words could be enough to rekindle it - it's as if Boy George and Marilyn and Nick Rhodes and Quentin Crisp had all been rolled up into one and transported to the eighteenth century. Extraordinary.

25 had the biggest impact on my life that anyone's ever had, and I think I will always wish that I'd never met him, for all that in the beginning things were good and perhaps one day the good memories will be allowed to be happy memories as well. But he's happy out there without me, and I really am glad for him.

26 is someone it's impossible not to love, and I do love her, deeply and passionately and tenderly and without end, really. If things had been different then things might well have been different, and perhaps one day they still will be, but at the moment I treasure her as my friend and would do anything she asked of me.

27 wove a spell with words which caught me at the time, and then neatly sidestepped me and got together with 15. Eventually things happened, but they probably shouldn't have, although I think everyone's come out more or less intact, bar the flashbacks.

28 was an incredibly sexy friend of 23's who I rapidly fell harder and harder for - still the only person who's made me want them to take me up against a wall on first meeting. ~g~ I didn't mention it at the time. Then there was a sudden distance - I don't blame him, really - which has only recently begun to close, but as it does a hundred fascinating possibilities seem to be presenting themselves. I look forward to discovering what the future brings.

29 was and is the most attractive woman I know, and still the only one to make me feel wanted, although I think she has probably lost most patience with and interest in me now, which is a great shame as I'd give a lot to spend more time with herself and 28.

[Somewhere here, a breathtaking man who draws my eye just by standing quietly in a corner, and who looks so good with his equally breathtaking girlfriend that I can't even be jealous. ~g~ Oh, and a beautiful man who draws my eye just by standing quietly in a corner, and who looks so good with his equally beautiful girlfriend that I can't even be jealous. No - really.]

30 was the first man I ever noticed flirting with me, though it would have been more surprising if he *hadn't*, given the way he was. Watching him dance was like a drug and I wish I thought I'd ever see him again. I miss him at least half as much as 33 does.

31 was another friend of 23's who comes a close second to 25 in affecting my life in huge and often really quite traumatic ways, though that's more been the fault of circumstance. There's never been another moment in my life as magic and powerful as one or two I've shared with him, and the crackle of electricity in the air each time we meet is visible for miles around. Or so I'm told. ~s~

32 is another dancer, who was the first person to really convince me to dance in public among people who knew me - chances are he'll never know quite how grateful I am to him for that. He's very sweet about talking to me, even when I sound like I'm drunk and am telling him repeatedly how pretty he is. I must learn how to not do that.

33 is a friend of, among others, 32 and 26, who is deeply enchanting and beautiful and who I am very glad to have in my life. She has done more for my self-confidence than she could possibly realise and is a joy to spend time with.

34 is someone known to a fair few of the above listed people, who takes my breath away and has also done his bit to give me self-confidence and generally be really damn lovely at me until I meep a lot and hide. Apparently he doesn't realise how great he is. Every time I see him it brightens life up a *lot*.

35 should really have appeared earlier, as he did in my life, but it was about here that we started to see more of each other. He makes me feel more special and precious than anyone else. Lately it's been difficult to see him - I hope things won't continue that way though, because I'd like our friendship to be one of the constants in my life.

36 is a wonderful man who believes in his own loveliness a lot less than I do. I find myself almost at a loss as to what to say about him - he has done so much for me in so little time, and without him my life would have been desolate recently. He is stylish and beautiful and he makes me laugh and blush and kneel and believe that there's something in myself worth seeing. You may be able to tell by now that I adore him.

37 is someone I'm currently having a lot of difficulty keeping out of my head because every time I see him, the impulse to just jump on him gets stronger and stronger - not that I'd ever do it. I can't describe in quite what way he has so shaken up my life, but the fact remains that I would do anything he asked me to, though I know he never would.

38 was a lovely friend of, among others, 26 and 30, who I perhaps shouldn't have got involved with but it was very difficult not to. Sadly I couldn't give him as much as he deserved and I hope that someone someday soon will be able to; but the memories are good ones and I hope the friendship lasts.

39 is a painfully beautiful, quiet man I love more than most people would credit, who has managed to be there for me at particularly good times and although there's a certain amount of communication failure that's generally my fault, I hope our friendship will get stronger as the year goes on.

40 should probably have been mentioned earlier, but it's only about here that Things started to Happen, in the form of more and more beautiful words leading up to an inviation leading up to, soon, a visit. Here's to him rocking my world more and more in the future - I haven't felt this much excited fearful anticipation in nearly a year. ~grin~

41 is a gorgeous and truly lovely friend of 33 who makes me think and laugh and who I'd very much like to get to know better, given how much they've rocked my world in such a short time.

And 42 is a striking, beautiful, magnetic woman who I'm only just getting to know but who has listened to me whine about nothing and everything all I want and not complained once, and who has really touched my heart. Another person I would do absolutely anything for.

Of course, I love *all* of you very very dearly, and many others besides, and I don't doubt that the time will come when all of you will have rocked my world so hard I'm dizzy. ~smile~

E.
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