DurAnorak (duranorak) wrote,
DurAnorak
duranorak

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Sigh. Tirades R Us.

Last night, spoke to dennyd, cried a lot, got off the phone, bled. (Why do promises to the idiot who broke my heart still hold? Oh well, probably a good thing.) Cried more, went to sleep.
Woke up screaming from a very strange nightmare, thinking it was roughly time to get up. Or not, being as it was half past three. So I tried to go back to sleep but I was too frightened. Finally gave up just now and came on here. Why I bother, I just don't know.

You - you sound so surprised. Well, the reason I didn't ever say I told you so is that I didn't tell you so - because I had more faith in you than that. You fucked up. Congratulations. Maybe on some (very deep down) level you realise that and that's why you feel so fucking depressed.

And you - so me saying "If you're lonely, please do call me" passed you by, so me pointing out that I can't call you because I'm at home and my parents reign over the landline and you know I can't call out from my mobile passed you by, so the text messages saying I missed you and asking if you were ok passed you by, so the e-mail wishing you a bearable Christmas and telling you I love you passed you by, and my pleas for someone to call me as soon as they've got time didn't indicate to you that maybe I wouldn't be so fucking inconsiderate as to even try to call anyone on Christmas Day?
Right. Yes, you probably are going to fail, with that level of perspicacity.

And you - how dare you hurt him? How dare you? (And for that matter, how dare he come crying to me about it - do none of you ever fucking think?) And incidentally, the Interests thing? It's not very cute, but it does plumb new depths of tackiness. Congratulations.

And you - when you work out what's going on in your head, give me a call. Until then, stop messing me around whenever I'm near you.

And you - you said you'd see me and then spent the whole night with your friends. I don't blame you, just next time, don't say you'll see me.

And you - if it rhymes, it looks silly, when it's prose. Keep to the day job.

And you - well, apparently that's two of us you've left out in this particular cold, I hope you're proud of yourself, if even a sliver of your brain still works well enough to be able to form that complex a thought. Go to hell.

To quote Willow, "Well...I don't feel better..." But I really didn't want to go away this upset, and it looks like I am, and a small amount of that is down to me and the rest of it can be laid squarely at ^your feet, so well done, you all get little medals, fuck you all, and I'm leaving the country.

When I come back, I'll see the people I've said I'll see - that'll be Dominic and dennyd then - and I'll write to K and see if he's got a gap in his busy schedule - oh, and there's the theatre with nisaba; maybe I should give my ticket to someone else - but the rest of you can I'm sure do without my company for a while.
I'm left wishing I really had just slit my wrists on Christmas morning, after doing my token Good Deed. Thank you all so much. Happy New Year.

E.
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