Me : Excuse me sir, if you could take your seat please, we need to close the doors.
Mr. Tweed McTweed : But I'm waiting for Jane!
Me : If you want to leave her ticket with the box office, she can -
Mr. Tweed McTweed : But it's Jane! You know what she's like! You know, Jane!
At this point the front of house man comes across and tells Mr. McTweed where to go. Thankfully.
Half way through the first half, three people walk through the main doors. The other four ushers, more sure of their jobs, stay where they are; I stand up to greet them, as you're supposed to.
Me : Can I help you?
Bill Lyne : It's all right, dear, I'm the Manager.
Nobody tells me anything.
The interval starts. A woman standing near me is saying in a raucous voice, "But I can't tell if she's staff! She doesn't look like staff. Is she staff, George? She doesn't look like staff..." Suddenly she rounds on me. "Well, are you staff?"
I blink, and reply in the affirmative.
"You don't look like staff," she says. "Where are the ice creams?"
I stand at the doors during the interval to make sure nobody goes in with ice creams or drinks or anything. A man barges past me carrying three ice creams; I go to him.
Me : Excuse me, sir?
He ignores me.
Me : Excuse me, sir? [I give up and touch him on the shoulder] I'm sorry, but you're not allowed refreshments in the auditorium.
He looks at me as if I've just called his mother something unpleasant to do with rodents, and says in a voice loud enough to summon demons, "My wife is handicapped! Her friend is...pretty handicapped! Do you expect them to move??"
I apologise and back off, but wonder at what point it was in an usher's job description to be telepathic.
As everyone's going in for the second half, a young, very pretty lady comes up to me with a tub of ice cream. She says "I know we're not allowed to take these in, so I wonder if you could hang onto it for me until the performance ends. Thanks!" And she throws it at me and sails into the auditorium.
As you can tell, it was an odd evening, full of many strange people. I'm now very *very* tired. So sleep soon, I think.