DurAnorak (duranorak) wrote,
DurAnorak
duranorak

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Blah blah angst blah.



So, crushes. It's not 'love', it's not 'in love', and it's not 'attracted to'. What is it, then? Well.
I love my friends. I love all my friends, generally more than they realise and then, when they realise it, more than they can deal with. But that's love, that's 'I'd do pretty much anything for you and I'll always always be here if you need me', and I feel that way towards almost everyone I know.

In love? In love is a painful horrific neverending road accident of emotions. I detest being in love but unfortunately there's never anything I can do about it. Trust me, You Would Know if I were in love with you, because I would have told you through floods of tears. Heh.

Just attracted to, though. Simple. I think someone's attractive, but it doesn't go as far as being in love, and thoughts of them don't distract me except from an aesthetic appreciation point of view. There are a fair few people who live in this set, and I tend not to tell them because it makes me very shy of them.

And then there are crushes. Which are different.
With a crush, aesthetic appreciation goes out the window, as I do from time to time get crushes on people I don't even find attractive. Crushes are blasted distracting. And crushes involve me, every time I see the person, wanting to drop to my knees and hand over the keys to my soul, or something equally melodramatic and inappropriate. I wouldn't actually ever do that, 'cause I've lost the keys, but you know. You get the point.

Apart from falling in love, which does admittedly happen often but can't really be compared to anything else, crushes are the things I hate most. They occupy a significant space in my mind, they cause me to want to fall to my knees in the middle of the street (never a good plan), and they're incredibly distracting. And they can lead to 'in love', as well, if one isn't careful.
Now, I've been so busy dealing with a crush I hadn't been expecting that I'd almost failed to notice the other one. The one that, as I pointed out to giolla yesterday, is sicker and wronger than having a crush on John Major. Ladies and gentlemen, I have a crush on the single most inappropriate person I could think of. And right at the moment was probably the worst time I could have worked it out, as well.
It knocks my motives for six. I can never be sure why I'm doing things. I've found myself sitting on the floor when there was a perfectly good chair, just so I could be at a lower level than them, and it's silly. Damn it. But it's totally unconscious and that's why I can never be sure why I'm doing things, and at the point where I don't understand *myself*, that's when I start to lose it.

I could have done without it happening again. Damn it. Why did you have to look at me like that? Why did you have to suddenly show yourself in a different light? Did I imagine it, even?
If I've got a crush on an imaginary & non-existent facet of personality of the single most inappropriate person I could think of, then this is just the silliest thing I've ever been involved in. ~g~

Anyway. Sorry, just had to get that out. ~sigh~

E.
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