DurAnorak (duranorak) wrote,
DurAnorak
duranorak

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Not good, really.

Things over here are doing a passable impression of being worse than they ever have been. I think that whatever was holding me together last week has finally snapped, and so here I sit, in tears again, wondering what the hell to do.
Mum drove me (& my nan) back up to London as they're going to Paris for a couple of days. When she saw the house she screamed at me, despite both a) knowing what last week was like for me and b) my having done my level best to have it tidy for her. She later calmed down and took back some of what she said - a lot of which was of the "we should have you at home and lock you up, I'm ashamed to call you my daughter" variety - but she left without saying goodbye.
My weekend at home was pretty much just either me sleeping, or me being screamed at by mum & dad for things that are incredibly not my fault, and crying when I could get a minute to myself.
Every day this last week I thought to myself "this can't get any worse" - stupid, I know, and of course, it did. I'm actually quite glad I went home sans computer when I did because I've just been reading back through my Friends page and read an entry that, had I read it before I went home, would probably have induced me to jump off the tube platform instead of calmly waiting on it.
Now though it's only going to make me continue the activities of earlier today. Once we got here and mum started screaming, I lost it completely. I ran up to my room and found my best pair of scissors, and now have rather a lot of red everywhere. Someone said a few weeks ago, totally jokingly, "You should try turning your body into a mass of scar tissue." I laughed and told them I was trying. Well, y'know. I am.
I haven't *quite* had blood running down my legs but that's principally because I cut, and then got up and walked around, so my skirt just spread the blood across my skin. Then I methodically cleared away the dried blood and started hacking at my legs again. I'd imagine there will be much more of this to come this evening.
I feel broken in tiny pieces, absolutely destroyed, and with pieces missing so I can never be put back together. After The Calling on Tuesday I had some idea of what I was going to be feeling like at the end of the week...
I hadn't quite realised how unimportant I was to the people who were so important to me. I've known for a long time that nobody really *needs- me, but that Tuesday night was quite a display of just how little of a toss anyone there actually gave. Including at least four people I considered friends of mine, but y'know. I should know better, really.
Over the weekend the realisation slowly dawned that the situation I am currently in is very similar to the situation I just got out of, and this realisation is particularly horrible. Yes, the words "frying pan" and "fire" do very much spring to mind, and yes, I should know better on this count, too. But I'm stupid and trusting - maybe make that just stupid. Though I must say I hadn't realised how stupid until I got back here and read LJ. My god. I'm such an idiot. ~sigh~

Anyway. Things are very horrible and I'm not sure how I'm going to survive the next week. I don't want to. I don't have the option of staying in bed all day every day because there's a) our cleaner and b) my mum who are going to be here. I don't know what to do or where to go, since I can't trust anybody at all any more.

E.
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