DurAnorak (duranorak) wrote,
DurAnorak
duranorak

  • Mood:
  • Music:

Wow.

First off : Happy birthday, birthday people. I hope the day brings much happiness and love and good things.
-------------
Well...
Woke up this morning and wondered what on earth had happened. Then I realised: I've got my old life back.
I didn't ask for it back, but I well recognise the gasping depression - I mean, honestly, so unhappy you can't breathe? It's hardly fair, is it? - the lack of work being done, oh joy, more trouble, the marginal suicidal feelings.
It's worse than it ever was, though, presumably because I know what I've lost.
Every joy, every reason I had to be happy has drained away. It's just all gone. I feel like my heart is breaking continuously. I feel, although this is obviously not true, as though I will never smile again.
Certain LJ things have appeared which should have made me smile. They didn't, so I'm not replying to them until I can do them justice. But you, if you're reading this...I'd be falling so hard for you if I were *slightly* more stupid.
The last time I can remember hurting this much in this same kind of blank empty way was last June, when I made my pathetic attempt to leave all you lesser mortals behind and find my heaven. ~shrug~
I'm not, any more, the kind of person to leave suicide threats in LJ. I know I won't do it because I know I don't have the courage.
Wanting to do it, though, that's different.
I have a French exam today. It's an oral. I hate them. I need to look things up. Any idea how hard it is to motivate yourself when you already have no motivation and suddenly bleak depression hits your chest like a brick? Well, quite.
I shall end this now, 'cause I'm sure y'all really don't need to know.

E.
x
Subscribe

  • (no subject)

    So I was just thinking, ugh, I'm too crazy to post another song, why would I even bother anyway, when I was suddenly reminded of a track I had on Now…

  • (no subject)

    You know when everyone is going crazy about a book, or a film, or a band, and you just get sick to death of even seeing it mentioned, even by people…

  • (no subject)

    Well, clearly I'm not going to manage to post a song every day, because for the last...what is it, like, six? I have kept trying and then deciding…

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic
    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 11 comments

  • (no subject)

    So I was just thinking, ugh, I'm too crazy to post another song, why would I even bother anyway, when I was suddenly reminded of a track I had on Now…

  • (no subject)

    You know when everyone is going crazy about a book, or a film, or a band, and you just get sick to death of even seeing it mentioned, even by people…

  • (no subject)

    Well, clearly I'm not going to manage to post a song every day, because for the last...what is it, like, six? I have kept trying and then deciding…