Woke up this morning and wondered what on earth had happened. Then I realised: I've got my old life back.
I didn't ask for it back, but I well recognise the gasping depression - I mean, honestly, so unhappy you can't breathe? It's hardly fair, is it? - the lack of work being done, oh joy, more trouble, the marginal suicidal feelings.
It's worse than it ever was, though, presumably because I know what I've lost.
Every joy, every reason I had to be happy has drained away. It's just all gone. I feel like my heart is breaking continuously. I feel, although this is obviously not true, as though I will never smile again.
Certain LJ things have appeared which should have made me smile. They didn't, so I'm not replying to them until I can do them justice. But you, if you're reading this...I'd be falling so hard for you if I were *slightly* more stupid.
The last time I can remember hurting this much in this same kind of blank empty way was last June, when I made my pathetic attempt to leave all you lesser mortals behind and find my heaven. ~shrug~
I'm not, any more, the kind of person to leave suicide threats in LJ. I know I won't do it because I know I don't have the courage.
Wanting to do it, though, that's different.
I have a French exam today. It's an oral. I hate them. I need to look things up. Any idea how hard it is to motivate yourself when you already have no motivation and suddenly bleak depression hits your chest like a brick? Well, quite.
I shall end this now, 'cause I'm sure y'all really don't need to know.