DurAnorak (duranorak) wrote,

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We both agreed this should be shared with the world...

I promise it's worth reading. A Yahoo! Messenger conversation that asrana and I had degenerated into this :


duranorak: ~stares at story~ ~cracks up~
duranorak: I've never heard it called THAT before....ROFL
anarsas: do i want to know?
duranorak: She's describing Dorian's...um...one-of-those...~rolls eyes~...but she's described it as "pale mauve". Excuse me. *Mauve*? **Mauve**??
anarsas: MAUVE?!?!?!?!??
anarsas: ........
duranorak: ....
duranorak: Mauve is just...not good.
anarsas: god... mauve... there's something WRONG with it, ffs!! go see a doctor! NOW!
duranorak: ROFLMAO
anarsas: "doctor.... i've got a problem.... my.... *waves hands articulately*.... it's.... *whispers* mauve."
anarsas: doctor: *bolts out of chair in shock* "MAUVE?!?"
anarsas: oh, no, wait!! *ggls more*
anarsas:"doctor...my throbbing porkstick of love... it's mauve..."
anarsas: doctor: "your WHAT?!?!"
anarsas: patient: "you know... my.... uh.... pole?"
anarsas: doctor: *blank look*
anarsas: patient: *looking bewildered at doctor's bafflement and audience's hysterics* "my.... uh...."
duranorak: "...insistently pulsing rod?"
duranorak: "No...um..."
anarsas: doctor: *more blank looks* "where DID you get your education???"
duranorak: "You *really* don't want to know, I can assure you."
anarsas: doctor: *tragic sigh* well, anyway... your penis... yes...." *pauses while patient blushes at such crudity* "anyway, what's wrong with it?"
duranorak: "I told you...it's..."~looks round~ "Look, there aren't any surveillance devices in here, are there? I'm wanted by the KGB, you know...."
duranorak: Doctor : "I'm not sure they'll want you any *more* if they hear this..."
anarsas: doctor: *looking more and more harrassed, bemused and irritated* "no, there aren't"
duranorak: "Oh, well, good. Well, it's..." ~looks around again~ "...it's...I told you what it is!"
anarsas: doctor: .... *thinks* did you say 'mauve'? *is disbelieving*
duranorak: "Ssssssh! Not so bloody loud! The nurses were giving me funny looks when I came *in*, for god's sake!"
anarsas: *snorts* well, if you _will_ call it a... what was it you said... pork stick??
anarsas: and anyway, your trousers are on backwards.
duranorak: "They are *not*!"
duranorak: Doctor : "But the zip's at the back!"
duranorak: ~slow grin~ "Yup. Easy access."
anarsas: *cue nurses having hysterics as they watch CCTV wtih audio feed*
duranorak: ~also cue shocked KGB dropping dead of heart attacks~
anarsas: *watches as MI6 cheer*
anarsas: *doctor grins as understanding kicks in and grabs K Y jelly*
anarsas: *cue more nurses shrieking*
duranorak: ~cue one nurse getting up and running out of the room in tears, and everyone else giggling about Nurse Blonde's crush on Dr. Phelps~
anarsas: *cue other nurse - nurse Klaus - also running out of room in floods of tears*
duranorak: ~looks shocked~ "Not for YOU, Dr. Phelps!" ~strikes a pose~ "I'm saving myself for the Major..."
anarsas: *Dr Phelps looks disappointed* "darn. i've never seen a mauve one, either..."
duranorak: "Your scientific experiment will have to be postponed, I fear...I have an appointment with the Major tonight...I believe he has spent the day practising...."
duranorak: "....manoeuvring his tank."
anarsas: well, even so, you came to me for professional advice... now, if you just let the nurse do some preliminary checks... *buzzes for nurse* *all the nurses fight for the door*
duranorak: ~door is kicked down as Nurse James pushes to the fore~ "I'll do it! Iiiiii'll do it! Oh, let meeeeeeee!"
anarsas: "please take our patient *gets thwaped* excuse me, _Lord Dorian_, to the sausage+ room down the hall..."
duranorak: ~James looks shocked~ "The sausage room? Doctor...are you sure? I'm not certain that everything's been replaced after we had Mr. Krycek in there..."
duranorak: "Hello? Hello? I am still here, you know, and I think I can do without a trip to this..." ~shudders~ "...this 'Sausage Room' of which you speak."
anarsas: "well, it's just that.... well..... *tries to think of an excuse to move to the sausage room, except that the cctv's at a better angle* "well... that's where we always hold examinations. "
duranorak: ~smile~ "Oh, I can assure you I don't need any examinations...you can check with my former doctor...I passed the last ones with....flying colours..."
anarsas: "well, yes.... okay then, but in which case, why are you here? i mean, you said you had something wrong with your.... *stutters helplessly to a stop*"
anarsas: *james supplies helpfully* "insistently pulsing rod?"
anarsas: doctor: *smoothly* "yes, thank you." *both look enquiringly at Dorian*
duranorak: "with my...er, that, yes...but...but...it's just that I need it to be in full working order for tonight!"
anarsas: "well, it therefore seems like an examination is rather necessary.... wouldn't you say? or would you like me to just point my finger at my rack of medicines and choose one at random?"
anarsas: "although i should warn you that to do so, you're more likely that it turns green...."
duranorak: "Would it glow in the dark, too?"
anarsas: ....... *doctor thinks frantically* "i'm not sure...
anarsas: James: "actually, yes." *claps hands over mouth*
duranorak: "In which case..." ~looks at racks of medicines~ "...I'll take it. Whatever 'it' happens to be." ~pause~ "Oh, and do you have any Viagra? You know, when you get to Klaus's age...well, you practically need a crane to get it up."
anarsas: *cue shrieks heard from one end of the country to the other as Klaus' new job as a surveillance ....'guy'?.... reaps unexpected benefits*
anarsas: *James moves confidently to the overflowing shelves and gets down the viagra*
anarsas: doctor: "and i don't want to know why _you_ know where it is amongst all the clutter...."
duranorak: ~James looks downhearted and whispers~ "How soon we forget, eh, doctor?"
anarsas: *harumphs* "yes, well.... the other stuff is... uh... over... *scans shelves for a few long minutes*
duranorak: "I thought you were just going to select one at random..."
duranorak: (And wasn't Klaus a nurse a minute ago?)
duranorak: (Obviously a man of many talents...)
anarsas: "well, yes, but it's got to be a specific one at random, if it's to have the desired effect...."
anarsas: *in desperation picks the edible, glow-in-the-dark green body paint off the shelf* well, maybe this would do instead....?"
duranorak: ~looks shocked and generally horrified~ "I am *not* having *that* in my *house*!" ~half-faints, is caught by James, and rests in James's arms moaning "Smelling salts...I need my smelling salts..."~ (PONCE ALERT! PONCE ALERT! AWOOGA! AWOOGA!)
anarsas: *looks abashed* "uh....oh.... sorry...." *hastily gets smelling salts out of nurse James' uniform's back pocket*
duranorak: "....what on earth are they doing *there*?" ~faints outright~
duranorak: ~comes round~
duranorak: "And how did *you* *know* they were there, Doctor?" ~faints again~
duranorak: ~comes round again~
duranorak: "And....and..." ~delayed reaction~ "OH MY GOD! KLAUS! I heard him scream! He HEARD me! Oh my GOD!" ~runs out the door and down the corridor, flailing limbs in all directions~
anarsas: *doctor looks at nurse, looking at doctor* well, as long as we've got that viagra out......
anarsas: *sprays paint over CCTV cameras*
duranorak: Or, the ALTERNATE ending...
duranorak: ~Doctor looks at James~
duranorak: ~James looks at Doctor~
duranorak: ~Doctor and James lean round door and look at nurses~
duranorak: ~long silence~
duranorak: Doctor : ".....but...but...*mauve*!
duranorak: ~all break up in hysterics~
duranorak: THE END.

Explanation : I was on the phone to asrana at the time, and she said "think of a word!" and I said "sausage!" so she said "OK...you asked for it..."

Until next time, this has been your host, Milo Tweenie, saying...

"I like bananas, yellow and curly!


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