June 18th, 2003

(I've tried patience)

Yeah. So.

Managed to get a few hours' sleep I think. Kept waking up though. My ashke is in hospital. I'm not there yet. I am terrified of hospitals. His and my plans for the next [amount of time] are fucked. It's my birthday on Thursday. We were going dancing on Friday. He won't be able to ride his bike which is, or at least was, the only thing keeping him from the suicidal as far as I could tell. It's my fucking birthday week again, it always is. I'm exhausted. I had plans for today, I was looking forward to them. Now I guess I'll be with my angel but I don't even know how I can face him right now. Telling him how I feel is hardly going to help the situation. My mum's probably stopping by the house today and I haven't got the energy to clear the house up. I sent a really difficult e-mail last night and I've no idea whether I should have or not. So distressed and angry and drained and frightened and worried and last night I needed so much to be with someone and it was too late to get anywhere. Oh god, last night was horrible. Today's horrible, too, but at least today is horrible with working London Underground. (Having said that the whole thing will break down, won't it?)
Oh yeah, and I look like I went a few rounds with Wolverine, as well.

Yeah, yeah. It's all about me. Heh. Hardly. But he is being looked after by people who want to make him better *and* he has someone who loves him there. So that at least I can set my mind at rest about a little.
Ah heck. My journal. Why am I apologising for what I write?
Probably because I said I'd try to do rational this morning and I'm not really getting very far.

Really really need help. Really. ~sigh~ Mainly need to be cuddled and stroked, I think. But need help.

E.
x
(I've tried patience)

(no subject)

Just had a phonecall from wildeabandon; I'm heading over to Milton Keynes shortly, although by the time I get there dennyd will probably have gone into surgery - he's scheduled for ten, but you never know with the NHS. Heh. Obviously I'll have my phone off while I'm in the hospital but until eleven at least I'll be reachable and I need to get hold of spikeylady or failing that ergotia or ciphergoth - was meant to be seeing them this afternoon (I think) and I guess I won't be able to.

Have no credit so can't text people back, but will pass on anything anyone texts me to say, obviously.

E.
x
(I've tried patience)

(no subject)

dennyd's dad is at the hospital, so I've come back to his place to let people know what's going on and get a couple of hours' rest.
wildeabandon has outlined what happened to him anyway, but to add to that, the plans to do surgery on his leg today have been postponed, probably till next week, because it's suddenly swollen up quite dramatically. He's really not terribly well, although his leg's the only thing that's actually damaged.
There's not much else to say, really. I could go on and on and on about how much I can't cope but it wouldn't get anyone anywhere.

I don't know when I'll be back. I don't know what's going on at all, with me. He's not going anywhere, obviously.

In answer to the bike questions, he doesn't know what happened to it after the accident but assumes it's more trashed than he is.

I don't think there's anything else, but I'll have my phone on until about three - probably won't be online though.

E.
x
(I've tried patience)

Update

Well, I managed to sleep for about twenty minutes while I was here earlier and while I was there some kind sprite stuck a coping hat on my head, where it remained, mostly, until about an hour ago when the migraine that had been developing and the sheer exhaustion of having barely slept for nearly two days and having been crying for about thirty hours solid (it's damn scary when you think about it - how do I still have anything left? Maybe the migraine is pure dehydration) all caught up with me. dennyd was starting to look as though he needed to just rest quietly, as well, so I've come back here - I'm going to be completely useless if I don't get at least a few hours' sleep. I wanted to stay but there just wasn't any point, he needed to rest and I was getting weepier by the minute. It's just the headache, officer, honest. Really. ~sigh~

Don't worry about calling me if you want to, though - I'd be glad to hear from anyone right now, and I won't mind being woken up and in any case won't be trying to sleep for a while yet. (wechsler, I don't know what your plans for this evening are, but if you've got five minutes at some point, I'd love to hear your voice.)

Nothing much else to report. Oh, apart from that apparently the Cheeky Girls are going to star in some Dracula-related TV movie with Martin Kemp as Dracula. The reaction should be ~fear~, really, but it isn't, quite.

E.
x