Damaris

I think I know why I put myself through all that.
I went and spent time looking and crying to remind myself that no matter what jealousy I suffer (for example at B-Movie) there's always worse jealousy I could be going through. (The other option for doing this isn't viable, since being in the same *city* is wrenching and dreadful, let alone the same building or room.)

I stayed beyond the point where it became unbearable to remind myself that there are worse things than being on my own. Sometimes I forget that, and I think "I'd do anything for company". But there are worse things than being on my own.

Then I left because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.

Then I walked (most of the way) home because the desperate cold numbed the pain to the point where I could hardly feel it.

Then I caught the bus with a bunch of lunatics to remind myself that actually, I wouldn't *really* take anyone who came along.

As you can probably tell, that doesn't really qualify for the title of Best Evening Ever. Though much thanks to moomintroll (and his very sweet girlfriend) for bearing with me for a while at least. ~s~ (I know this is unlikely, but - Sorry if I worried you saying I'd walk back; if I had a number for you I could have let you know I got back safely, but anyway, here I am all in one piece still in the same number of pieces I was when I left. ~s~)

I feel fairly sure that's the last time I'll be going to Slimelight.

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I never realised you cared little enough to twist the knife like that.

One thing...after another...after another...

And nobody loves me, as exemplified by the fact that I have no e-mail. Bah. Want mail. Sulk.

But as I was saying. Like the icon says. Sometimes you can't take it any more. I can't.

And I called my best friend, and *that* was a painful waste of my time and hers. ~sigh~

But ~kittenhugs~ and thanks to wechsler for calling and sympathising a little. ~s~

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He was what, with whom? But I thought...oh. Heh. Of course. What was I thinking? That would have made *sense*. Forget that.

Some people don't need the worst brought out in them. Some people manage it all by themselves. I cannot believe my eyes. I wish I could explain this more - this is one post I really don't want to be cryptic, but unfortunately because of certain promises I made I can't go into any sort of detail - certainly not in a space this public. ~sigh~

ARGH. You pathetic, desperate, lying, mentally incapacitated, selfish, boorish, hopeless, manipulative little man. You look so small to me right now that next time I see you I may well just step on you. Almost without noticing you. Almost.

Please, nobody take this one personally. I know my journal tends toward the cryptic and some of you often assume things (almost exclusively bad ones) are aimed at you, but I assure you, if you're bothering to read this then you're not the guy this is about.

Later : Oh, and the wonderful dennyd found this. It's not quite the way I'd say it, but it says it admirably nonetheless.

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