January 27th, 2003

(I've tried patience)

(no subject)

For some reason, today isn't good.
Maybe it's something to do with coming online and reading about everyone's favourite Snow White being wonderful again.
Maybe it's that last night I drained myself completely and it seems to have had no effect.
Maybe it's that for the past week I've had company every day and now I'm very alone.
Maybe it's that yesterday morning got to me more than I thought it had but it's taken this long for me to notice through the perk.
Maybe it's the beautiful song I can't get out of my head.
Maybe it's that this morning I finally accepted that things with a certain person are not going to happen, maybe ever, and I should just hold the memories of what did in an isolated space at the back of my mind.
Maybe it's the dream I had last night where an LJ friend and I were shopping together, laughing together, where I squeaked at finding Human League badges and he looked on with an amused smile, where we went dancing together.
Maybe it's wanting to dance again; perhaps I should go to Electric Dreams tonight, I wish I thought someone would come with me.

But I'm not smiling today. I suppose I shall be taping things again.

E.
x
  • Current Music
    'Like A Prayer', Madonna.
(I've tried patience)

"...Dublin, Dundee, Humberside..."

Last night for about ten minutes I had a desperate panic attack, hyperventilating, choking on fear and tears, gasping "No, god, please, no" over and over again.
Not pleasant.
Doesn't happen to me often, which is sort of odd considering how emotional I am.

I don't really have a point here, I'm just musing. My mind (whatever that is) threatened a repeat just now and I managed to control it. It's irrational, yes, but it's not without cause. Still though. I don't like it.

Hmm. I suppose I should wash my hair and go and do something productive really. ~s~

E.
x
  • Current Music
    The obvious.
(I've tried patience)

~blinks~

Odd. I mean, today there have been a few reasons on LJ for the usual ex-related angst that I'm used to, and I've sort of just shrugged and felt the dull thud of the hammer that would once have smashed my heart again hitting the back of the empty space where it no longer is. I was doing ok.

And then I was going to quite the lyrics of 'Beautiful Stranger' by Madonna at someone on LJ, and suddenly I was doubled over in pain. Music. Bah. It's always music. Music and sudden memories.

I *will not cry*; there is no point and I have managed not to get upset about much less trivial things today.

I wish once again that I could make it to Tenebrae. I know I'd have a pretty good night this time around, and I also know without any doubt that there's only one person who takes this particular pain away and he will almost certainly be there.
He doesn't know he does it, and I don't know *how* he does it, but he's the only one who can. I wish I knew why.

E.
x
  • Current Music
    'Saviour', VNV. There's a certain amount of irony, yes.