January 23rd, 2003

(I've tried patience)

Can it get any worse? Of course it can.

Doesn't mean I'm particularly keen on the idea, though, and if it does get worse I'll face it with a pair of scissors and a lot of plasters.

Let's start with Monday. Monday night I was shaky, needy, crying, lonely, meepy, upset, and I couldn't see any reason for it at all. Now I know why it was. I knew something wasn't right. I knew it. And I was right. And, well. Sigh.

Tuesday night? Well, yes, it was The Calling which was fun, but afterwards I sat for a while thinking about a friend who if they were like me would be going through *so much* hell right now. And I suppose it must be good not to really feel things all that much, and to go through life saying "Hmm. Nice scenery. Oh, what's over here?" rather than getting desperately emotionally attached to every rock you pass. But I'm hurting on his behalf and I can't seem to stop it.

Last night ended in what we scientists like to technically term A Big Mess. Things just broke down. I just broke down. See? It was that stupid hope thing, rearing its head again.

Today? Today started in much the same vein as last night, really, except that I woke up too early. And now I get back here and read things that break my heart even more. It hurts.

Tonight, Nemesis, with people, even though most of me wants to curl into a little ball and hide and hide and hide.

Tomorrow promises to be even more fun, and I do realise that things *can* get worse, but I think by halfway through tomorrow I'll just be so upset I'm laughing, which is better than the way I feel right now, FSVO 'better'.

Oh, look, yet more fun on my Friends list. It's always enjoyable here on LJ - my very favourite place to be! The bitterness doesn't stop here, gang, it goes on for weeks and weeks!

I'm not letting you leave comments telling me to calm down, because I don't *want* to calm down, I'm fucking upset and I don't care how irrational it is, it's not my fault that it hurts almost more than I can stand and anyone who's going to tell me that it is can fuck right off, thank you very much.

E.
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