January 16th, 2003

(I've tried patience)

(no subject)

Grrrrrrr.

No, that's about all. I'm just fucked off with the world in general.

E.
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  • Current Mood
    pissed off pissed off
(I've tried patience)

Morning.

Did finally manage to sleep last night, but it unfortunately meant my (current pet) character falling back into bed with the most unkind of his chain of lovers. Oh well - he seems to flit from one to another and there isn't one he hasn't been back to, so I expect he'll be somewhere else in another couple of days.

And in theory I'll see pringle tonight, which is a Very Good Thing as it's been far too long, again.

And ~smile~ wechsler is *still* lovely. If not even lovelier. ~hugs the kitty~

Everything else, though, is either slightly or extremely fucked, so I'm not going to even bother. Have a nice day.

"When was it you let me get close enough
To shatter my heart on your cheekbones, baby?
When was it he let me so deep inside
I couldn't get out if I tried?"


E.
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  • Current Music
    'The Killing Jar', Siouxsie And The Banshees.
(I've tried patience)

~smile~ Just realised...

...on the tape I'm halfway through making for flannelcat, I've preceded Wumpscut's 'Wreath Of Barbs' with Erasure's 'Crown Of Thorns'. Unintentionally.
I love music.

~deepsigh~ You can't help wondering what you've done wrong, can you?

Ah well. Never mind. The music is beautiful. And I always care too much.
I really should be used to it by now, shouldn't I?

E.
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  • Current Music
    'Wreath Of Barbs', Wumpscut.
(I've tried patience)

"Do you feel the same, 'cause you don't let it show..."

Goodness, that might almost have been some hope, in there, somewhere.
Look, some people *want* to see me. How bizarre. But it's still true.
Meep.

And still more, tiny tiny glimmers of hope but they're still there. I just don't know if I want to pick them up, any more. "There's a dream that strings the road with broken glass for us to hold", and that. (Heh, there's a Duran lyric for everything)

For myself? I *am* ready to try this again. I think I have more chance of getting it right this time.

Oh, I don't know.

E.
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  • Current Music
    The same.
(I've tried patience)

That was interesting.

Something very strange happened earlier. I arrived at the Guildhall for my singing lesson about twenty minutes early, and as I was walking up to the doors I suddenly had a very clear vision of myself, at every age up until 18, looking at me with absolute loathing. I blinked and heard myself say to myself, "Look, you made it to the Guildhall. Aren't you clever. But, wait - you're here singing. You're not here acting. You're not acting. Bitch, how could you?"
~shakes head~ I swear.
I went inside in tears and sat in a corner for a bit, meeping quietly. Managed to just about pull myself together and went up to my lesson, but my teacher - because she's like that - just asked me what was wrong.
And so I told her.

I've always wanted to act, but I put a lid on it, damn it, I closed that book when I was fifteen when my drama teacher told me I'd never really be able to. And the book's stayed closed, and I've been fine.

Until, of course, I ran into someone who's been involved in theatre of many kinds for the last few years. Apparently listening to them talk has been enough to break open those old wounds.

And I told my teacher, and she went on about how I should never have been told that at fifteen, and that it's still possible, but I know it isn't, really. But I wish. Oh, you've no idea how I wish.

-----------

My love and thoughts with wildeabandon and deliberateblank.

E.
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  • Current Music
    'Hotel', Tori Amos.