If I tried to explain why I was crying, I don't think a single one of you would understand it.
There are simple reasons, sure. There are going to be three (possibly four) people there tonight that I'd do anything to be in a Relationship with, and have no real chance of ever. That's always fun.
But the other reason...the worse reason...
I've done this before. I've been like this before. You remember, don't you - you were so horrified that I said I felt used.
But you were different.
This isn't making any sense, so I'll stop. But. I'm upset. So there.
Better now. Perhaps this responsible adult thing isn't so bad sometimes.
There's fear. I'm good with fear. I'm used to fear. I even like fear, sometimes.
And then there's terror.
Don't like terror. Not good with terror. Not happy about it.
Not used to it.
It's that irrational urge to grab everything and just run and run and run and run and run and run until you can look back and know you're safe, but also the knowledge that you never can.
I've now known it twice in two days and I. Don't. Like. It.
First time was my fault. This time is kind of my fault, too. Not keen on that, either.
...right, that's it. I'm going to go and hug the duvet and read David Eddings and cry myself silly until I may, possibly feel better. Sitting here shaking is not good. Any minute now I'l start screaming. I really don't want to do that.