November 21st, 2002

(I've tried patience)

Hmm...

Well, everything is mixed for me at the moment, nothing's all bad or all good, so I'm not terribly surprised at how things last night went. ~sigh~
The good was a very intangible good (stop laughing at the back there, I'm trying to be serious) - to do with talking and understanding and knowing and wanting. The bad was very much a solid bad that hit me round the head and kicked me in the chest. I'm starting to despise self-control; for a long time I've been feeling vaguely as though it's not all it's cracked up to be. Now I see it as a weakness. Go figure.

There are many reasons why I hate women in general, but very few particular women I hate. Last night, this exchange :
Me : "She's lucky she's not here."
Him : "Why, would you kill her?"
Me : "Yes."
Did you believe me? You know very well that I could kill. You think I'd spare her, out of guilt or something similar? Perhaps I would. There are many ways to 'spare' someone from death though.

I walked back in impossible amounts of pain - purely physical for once; I've twisted one ankle and I've ripped half the heel off one foot, so walking in tight boots that scraped at every step hurt as much as you'd expect it to. I got here, though. And the physical pain suffocated the emotional, at least.

The emotional pain is an odd one; I've felt it before. It's the pain of being relatively happily married and suddenly at a gallery-opening party running into your first love and finding out that all the magic is still there, only you can't do anything about it, and so you talk about wanting to kiss each other, with a tray of canapes between you acting as a barrier.

True to the half good/half bad thing, I got back here and picked up a sweet e-mail; the good. The bad? It's part of a checklist and I'm just another line to be crossed through; that's that charity case dealt with, then.

Things are strange. No surprises there. They hurt. No surprises there.

Despite my frequent moping, I do actually know what it's like to feel loved. Knowing what it's like to feel wanted, though, is something completely different and only one person has ever really made that happen; it's a wonderful feeling and I'd kill to get it back in a form more believable than last night's, where it darted around me in slivers like a school of tiny fish trying to unnerve a predator.

So much tension I thought something had to break, but nothing did.

I want to shatter you and use pieces of you to cut myself.

E.
x
  • Current Music
    'Michael You've Got A Lot To Answer For', Duran Duran.
(I've tried patience)

(no subject)

It's really very frustrating not having anything to create decent LJ icons in any more...ah well. I'll just have to make do.
Oh yeah, and I have a new icon, 'cause I was bored of my 'Still the prettiest' one...

~sigh~ I think I'm going to lose it again in a minute. I've got to get to work tomorrow, somehow, with my heels in the state they are. It sounds like nothing at all but I really don't know how I'm going to manage. It hurts.
I also can't afford to eat. Or, I should say, I can't afford to eat for this week if I go to Cambridge for The Calling. I don't want to miss The Calling, and I know I can easily go a week without food, but it's still kind of not good, y'know?

I'm tired, I'm cold, I want to curl up with someone. But I have to clean the house because the cleaning lady comes tomorrow, and the people I'd like to curl up with are all far enough away that getting to them isn't an option, and they're busy, anyway.
And having something warm to eat would really make me feel better, but unfortunately that's not an option either.

And walking into a room where the guy you like is talking to his girlfriend isn't any less painful when it happens online.

E.
x
  • Current Music
    'Once In A Lifetime', Wolfsheim.
(I've tried patience)

(no subject)

Depressed I may be, but 'Panzer Mensch' by And One is still apparently able to distract me...~grin~ Good.
I can't even consider not going to The Calling again. What if I missed another chance to see that, dancing? Impossible.

E.
x

Later : ~laughs~ And my new icon seems to have gone down awfully well...so to speak...
  • Current Music
    Oh, I wonder...
I can fly!

(no subject)

Fuck me, I think that's Shane Ritchie on EastEnders. ~stares at screen~ Ye gods.

E.
x
  • Current Music
    'Ocean Drive', The Lighthouse Family.
(I've tried patience)

(no subject)

~blink blink~
I may have inadvertantly done the right thing again.

~sigh~
And I want to be elsewhere doing anything I can. I want to be listening in the same room over a glass of...well, coke, in my case, but, y'know. I don't want to be here, sat at a computer, reaching for words that don't want to be caught.

E.
x
  • Current Music
    Brookside theme from the other room.