November 17th, 2002

(I've tried patience)

Nothing to see here, move along.

Too much coke + thinking + lots of music + too much coke + too much coke + a certain person + er, too much coke apparently = Collapse )

Can't say I know quite where that came from (I should probably have apologised before, actually, rather than after) though I know full well who inspired it. I'd thank them, but I don't know them awfully well (and I also wouldn't want to lay the blame for this dreadful writing on their slender shoulders. Heh.)

And I'd also like to say : Oh bloody hell. Enrique Iglesias is massacring 'White Wedding' on TV right now. ~dives for cover~

Er. Anyway. I'm really sorry about this post. But it's gone midnight and I've had far too much coke.

E.
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  • Current Music
    Enrique. The horror.
I can fly!

Right then...

Dreamed this morning that I went to a Black Sabbath concert at the London IMAX cinema with grahamb and a friend of his who was alternately called 'Rob' and 'Tom'. I wasn't particularly interested in Ozzy&co, and then grahamb started reciting Eddie Izzard jokes (ones that don't actually exist) and he, Rob/Tom and I were giggling so much that we got thrown out.

No, I don't know, either.

And it's still considerably less strange than what I wrote last night. ~shakes head~ What have you done to my mind...
Good that the people who've said anything have had positive reactions to it, though. At least it means I've managed to get the images across. Rah. ~smile~

E.
x

"It's like that play, 'The Ghost In The Fridge', I mean, there's no suspense in that, is there? Don't go near the fridge...don't go near the fridge...open the fridge...oh my god, there's a ghost in it!" Yeah.
  • Current Music
    'Psycho Magnet', London After Midnight.
I can fly!

(no subject)

Argh.
It's a guy thing, isn't it? It's somewhere in the Guy Code, somewhere near the bit which says that "Of course I understand that you don't want to have sex" means "I understand but I'm still going to ask for it over and over and over until you want to kill yourself to get away from me asking".
It's somewhere near that, isn't it, the bit which tells you that "I want to see you" means "I want to see you, your friends, your friends' friends, your friends' friends' tennis partners...hey, let's have a party!"

Yes, I'm massively overexaggerating, but only because this has happened to me too much lately and it's one of those things that really drives me up the wall. And over it. And into the fields beyond.

~sigh~ I may as well just stay in and let them sort it out. I can't imagine I'd be missed much. Grr. Grrrr. Lazy incompetent self-absorbed moron. Oh, wait...how many guys could I be describing? Hah.

Bastards.

E.
x
  • Current Music
    'Parasite God', Mortiis.
(I've tried patience)

It's my journal, and I'll ramble if I want to.

There was a post. It was vaguely mopey, in a kind of x hasn't happened, y hasn't happened, dammit, kind of way. (I get paranoid when I write to people and they don't write back even after I know they've been online...some of you know what that's like.)

But then I got a phonecall and now I don't care any more.
Three months ago, I lived out four days which changed my life. I think they probably had knock-on effects on a few other people's, too, but really, they shook up my way of thinking about the world, about other people, and most notably about myself. I had to learn things - fast. I had to understand things that I honestly believe nobody else would have been able to understand.
I can't remember four more wonderful days, and to tell the truth I can't remember many more horrific ones either. It was a very strange little interlude in my life.

It led to a situation which remained unchanging for a long time. At the beginning I looked at the timespan and I thought, "I can't do this. It's too long." Then some Really Bad Stuff happened and it took my mind off a lot of it. Eventually I realised that there was no point in being upset at the wait, because I knew that at the end of the wait, nothing, for me, would change. At the most it might shift some friendship dynamics, the ripples of which might rock me a little. But those four days were an island that had sunk beneath the ocean and I knew that even after waiting for what seemed to me to be a long time, I wouldn't get a chance to go near it again.
One sighting of Atlantis, managed to nick a couple of the bottles of wine, and then, splash. [/vague Neverwhere references]

The waiting, not that it felt like waiting any more, was over recently. Just like that. And a small part of me rejoiced, but most of me knew, really, that it wouldn't change anything.

I think I might have been wrong. I think it might.

It seems impossible to believe, and I can't, really, believe that it's not all some joke being played on me by the gods of addictive drugs. If it is, well. If it is, I'm expecting that and I'll deal with it when it hits me. If it is, I've been hurt enough now that it will just be one more thing.

The only thing I know is that I remember feeling beautiful, and wanted, and I remember my mind having to work so hard I could barely keep up, and I remember trust beyond my capacity to comprehend it, and I would give a lot to have that again, and I may not have to.

I feel giddy and bordering on hysterical, so I'm going to put the heating on and listen to some music and try to calm down, or I'll never be able to sleep tonight, and I really need to get home tomorrow.
Sorry this was so long. I needed it though.

I am cared for. I really am. Sometimes, just sometimes, nothing else matters.

E.
x
  • Current Music
    'Discotheque Necronomicon', Killing Miranda.