May 21st, 2002

(I've tried patience)

"Sorry seems to be the hardest word..."

...but it's actually not; the hardest word is "Whatever."

I was holding out hope for just that one thing to go right; it didn't, my own fault of course, but there you go, it still doesn't make things any better.
Once again I feel guilty and can't apologise, mainly because it's not my fault (but someone has to feel guilty because she certainly won't). Once again I feel lonely beyond belief and have nobody to go to. The only difference this time is that it is also half two in the morning and I can't sleep.

And the hardest word is "Whatever." because it symbolises a decision to turn off all emotions. I haven't, yet, because I'm too tired to. But tomorrow, off they go. Again.

And, okay, something just fell over behind me. There is nobody in the computer room but me.
So I'm also now scared.

E.
x
  • Current Music
    The same.
(I've tried patience)

~sigh~

Slept at half three. Not enough sleep, therefore have excuse to stay in bed. Yay.

I love chiriko. (Your stories cheered me up when not even Duranfic would work...)

~sighs~ ~looks at screen~ It's still there. I stared at it for hours yesterday and it wouldn't go away. And it will always always always always be there. Staring at it more, today, and occasional shouting at the screen, is not going to get it to go. For that matter, crying and pleading with it is not going to get it to go, either.
It's like staring at a huge and extremely messy accident.
Only prettier, damn it.

I will not hurt any more due to things I cannot control. I will not.

Whatever.

E.
x
  • Current Music
    'Nephatiti', 808 State.
(I've tried patience)

~laughs~

Just had a most amusing interchange with Cilla, who was apparently trying to have an argument with me...

Cilla : Do you have *any* self-respect?
Me : No. And?
Cilla : ...oh. Well, er, well, you know I think it's pathetic that you let that take place?
Me : Yes. So do I.
Cilla : ...oh. ~long silence~ Never mind.

~smile~ Poor boy.
Yes, I know that *everyone* thinks it's pathetic that I let that take place. Yes, I think it's pathetic, too, but what was I going to do?
I didn't even know until afterwards, Cilla, I really didn't.
Nobody was kind enough to tell me, and I wasn't allowed to mind.

~curls up on sofa and cries~

At least the house staff are kind. I said I'd slept late; they took one look at me, said I couldn't go to class looking that unhappy - I'd upset the teachers - and said they'd put me off school for the morning.
Yet another week where I can't face the days so I spend them in bed staring blankly around me. It can't be good. I want to talk to someone. I want to cry on someone. But nobody here at school is going to understand, and nobody out there has the right combination of understanding and giving a toss, and...ah well. I will always, always be this lonely. It's probably a good idea for me to get used to it.
Yeah, I know it sounds like teenage angst. The saddest thing, though? I really, genuinely mean it. There is no melodrama involved. ~shrug~
Tragic, hmm? ~skips off~

E.
x
  • Current Music
    'Runaway Horses', Belinda Carlisle.
Music

Must. Get. Fischerspooner album.

Perhaps 'Emerge' is just the best track on it. Perhaps I'll hate the rest of it. Although I have 'Turn On' on an HMV playlist CD and I also love that. So, well, I'll probably like it all.

No, of course I'm not trying to use music to distract myself. I would never do that. ~halo~

They're like Visage and Brian Eno's bastard child lovechild. I love it. Oh. Must get this wretched album. *Soon*.

So anyway...~makes cats cradles~ ~starts work on scale model of Empire State Building~
Well, anything to take my mind off things, right? ~grin~

God, this music's good.

E.
x

Also, don't like the song, but I like the lyrics of this. ~sigh~
  • Current Music
    'Turn On', Fischerspooner.
(I've tried patience)

Miaow? ~sigh~

Should I die and come back as a cat, I wonder if I'll remember how much I always wanted to be one enough to appreciate that I finally am...

~sigh~ Not only are they beautiful, intelligent and elegant, they're also capable of enjoying sunshine, loved by lots and lots of people, and allowed to roll around on the floor purring without getting strange looks. ~smile~

sashajwolf suggested discovering a character who was a cat. I don't think that's possible...~wistful~

E.
x
  • Current Music
    'California Girls', The Beach Boys.
I can fly!

Rargh.

Whatever god is making bad things happen to the people I love most, would you please consider stopping it, now, *right* now?
There's a slight chance that something sometime this week may send me to cloud nine. It's only a couple of steps up from that to heaven, and I'm sure I could cheerfully make a detour for the express purpose of kicking the living omnipotent daylights out of you.

E.
x
  • Current Music
    'Beat It', Michael Jackson.
I can fly!

~head spinning~

I just got so wretchedly confused by who's who out of the Cambridge people on LiveJournal that I can't even remember why I was trying to figure it out.
~lost~ When you think someone's a girl from Cambridge and they turn out to be a guy from Up North, that's pretty bad...

E.
x
  • Current Music
    Disturbing music in the hall.
(I've tried patience)

~melts~

A little better. For various reasons.
Bed now. Sleep. Hopefully. No class tomorrow either.

House staff like me. Much more important people also like me.
Sleepy now...

E.
x
  • Current Music
    'Will You Love Me Tomorrow?', Bryan Ferry.