May 7th, 2002

I can fly!

No, there was never hope.

I love too many people. I do. It's bad for me. I expend all my energy on worrying about them and trying to help them.

Oh, god, I don't know what to do about this. Help!

~stares at screen in hopeless confusion~
This is. Ridiculous. Absurd. Daft. I'm laughing so hard right now. But it's just not funny at all.

I feel sick. And while I don't *do* twisted smiles, I seem to have one just now. This is horrible. Horrible.
Things I Didn't Take Into Account When I Dared To Think This Might Be Different And Less Painful #437. ~sigh~

Anyway, I shall stop now, as this is just. Stupid.

E.
x
  • Current Music
    'Evil Angel', Rufus Wainwright.
(I've tried patience)

Eeeep.

If Monday's bad and Tuesday's floods of tears, and my worst days are supposed to be Wednesday and Thursday...
Um, 'trepidation' doesn't even begin to cover this.
Yes. It's entirely my fault that I'm this unhappy today. I was an idiot last night and I just shouldn't have checked LJ this morning, is all. But the thought that I might not check LJ? Ridiculous. ~s~

angst.teen.no.time.to.write.poetry.sorry:

Not sure where all this leaves me. I'm used to the falling-in-love thing. Doesn't mean I like it. Doesn't mean I like the feeling that my heart is held between two branding irons. Doesn't mean I like crying and crying until I have no tears left. Doesn't mean I like jealousy like a slap in the face. Doesn't mean I like the constant reminder of how little I matter.
I wish I could stop doing it.

E.
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  • Current Music
    'Kiss Kiss', Holly Valance.
(I've tried patience)

10CC...

...had the right of it, much as I hate the song.
I am, actually, *not* in love. I must keep reminding myself of this.
I can't - cannot *possibly* - be in love with someone I know this little about. Sure, I read about their life, but only so much as they choose to share with the public - I'm not a friend of theirs, and they wouldn't share their secrets with me. The times I've fallen in love online, met the person and been severely disappointed...likewise, the three (I think) times I've just *liked* someone online and then met them, I've fallen head over. ~shrug~ People are so very different online and in real life.
So I'm not in love, and it *is* just a silly phase I'm going through, and if I can remember that perhaps it will stop hurting.

E.
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  • Current Music
    'Big Lie, Small World', Sting.
(I've tried patience)

I have 'Little Baby Nothing' by the MSP in my head...

...wonder if it's trying to tell me something?

Tuesdays are great. Tuesday afternoons have no lessons involved. Yay! TV, e-mail, TV, e-mail, TV, stalkage...~grin~

That's enough bouncing -Ed.

Later : This guy must be a Whitby fixture - he's turned up in almost every set of photos - but, eek. Someone should have told him not to bother *years* ago. ~wince~ That's really cruel of me, isn't it? I thought so. Ah well.

Oh, and excuse me, but I can't put this as a comment in the right journal 'cause he's no idea I'm reading it, so :
Oh, but it's pretty...~smile~

~giggles lots~ I'd forgotten how much I love Amy Camus, too. ~cuddles Amy~ Too cute.

E.
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  • Current Music
    "So hold me in your arms, I want to be your only possession"
(I've tried patience)

Memo to self :

Don't bitch about how you could do better; do better.

Have OMD's greatest hits on at the moment - fantastic compilation and only £3:99, can't be bad - I'd forgotten just how good they are.

And on a totally different note, I think...probably...that...that feeling this safe...might lead to me feeling happier about a whole lot of things...~thinks~ It seems to be leading me to think about things I'd just never even have considered before.
So, yay! I think.

Later :
~frown~ I have a personality! I *do*! I have an identity! *Honest*! ~looks in mirror~
~tilts head~ OK, this is just...odd. ~slightly baffled smile~
Hmm.

E.
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  • Current Music
    'Electricity', OMD.
I can fly!

Hmm...

...it's just occurred to me that if I chase this butterfly, with a net, and catch it, I'll either have to put it in a jar and just look at it (too pretty and too delicate to touch) or kill it and pin it to a piece of card (too beautiful to live).
Sigh.

E.
x
  • Current Music
    The CDS being very VERY LOUD. As usual.
(I've tried patience)

Meep!

~looks around nervously~
I would just like to say to anyone who I don't know is reading this, should there happen to be anyone, which, you know, there might be, somewhere, that I'm really not as insane as all that and I'm terribly *terribly* sweet and fluffy and...I am...honest. ~halo~

~looks around, more nervously~

I really hope you're *not* reading this, 'cause that...that would be *weird*. ~shakes head~

E.
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  • Current Music
    'Perfect Day', Various Artists.