May 1st, 2002

(I've tried patience)


First off : Happy birthday, birthday people. I hope the day brings much happiness and love and good things.
Woke up this morning and wondered what on earth had happened. Then I realised: I've got my old life back.
I didn't ask for it back, but I well recognise the gasping depression - I mean, honestly, so unhappy you can't breathe? It's hardly fair, is it? - the lack of work being done, oh joy, more trouble, the marginal suicidal feelings.
It's worse than it ever was, though, presumably because I know what I've lost.
Every joy, every reason I had to be happy has drained away. It's just all gone. I feel like my heart is breaking continuously. I feel, although this is obviously not true, as though I will never smile again.
Certain LJ things have appeared which should have made me smile. They didn't, so I'm not replying to them until I can do them justice. But you, if you're reading this...I'd be falling so hard for you if I were *slightly* more stupid.
The last time I can remember hurting this much in this same kind of blank empty way was last June, when I made my pathetic attempt to leave all you lesser mortals behind and find my heaven. ~shrug~
I'm not, any more, the kind of person to leave suicide threats in LJ. I know I won't do it because I know I don't have the courage.
Wanting to do it, though, that's different.
I have a French exam today. It's an oral. I hate them. I need to look things up. Any idea how hard it is to motivate yourself when you already have no motivation and suddenly bleak depression hits your chest like a brick? Well, quite.
I shall end this now, 'cause I'm sure y'all really don't need to know.

  • Current Music
    'Just A Little', Liberty X.
(I've tried patience)

Love, again.

I've always had a tendency to actually fall *in* love with people who can show me something that nobody else has been able to.
There are two people currently in my life who are capable of showing me absolute perfect beauty in the world, and I'm so much in danger of falling for them both.
I really, really, really, really, really don't need that.
They both love other people and they're both sweet enough that they'll be all sympathetic when/if I tell them how I feel about them and that will just hurt more. Blast. I really don't need this. I wish I couldn't feel.
I wish one of them didn't make the world sparkle like this. I wish the other didn't give the world that veil of dark beauty that they should really keep for themselves.
Even on a day like today, when I'm feeling the way I am, and there seems to be no way out...

I'd imagine they don't need this, either.

Oh, and further proof that I'm odd : When I know that someone knows how much it would mean to me that they do something, and then they do it, it means nothing any more because they're only doing it to make me happy, and not because they want to.

  • Current Music
    A song by The Nightcrawlers I haven't heard for eight years.
(I've tried patience)

And then there was meep. ~s~

I never have to do another speaking exam in my life! Ever! Ever! Ever!
Ahem. It is over. And I feel a lot better, and I had many many things hanging over my head this morning which contributed to my fantastically awful mood, and they've all pretty much gone now.
I feel like I should apologise for being happy again so fast, but perhaps you'll just be glad for me, I don't know. In any case, if it *does* irritate you that I go up and down like a barometer on Venus, then get out now, 'cause I've been doing it for years and it doesn't look like stopping any time soon. ~wry smile~ But I am sorry. You know I hate to upset people.

So, yes. There was an exam.
There was a house photograph - god, the horror.
And then there was distraction. ~grin, bounce~
And then there was a poem, written for me.
And then there was meepage, far and wide in the land.

And I am happy again.

Later : And it occurs to me, from something someone said, that there may be a way for me to fix things after all.
Just by being me.


And he's not just pretty, he's sweet, too. Eeek! ~grin~ Oh, the hardship...
  • Current Music
    'Ergonomics', Kajagoogoo.
(I've tried patience)

And there was further meepage. ~s~

Why is everyone on a quest to tug at my heartstrings and make me go "awwww"?

*Cute*, damn it!

Er, except those on a quest to make me hide underneath a sofa, that is. ~shudder~
I will kick the fear. I will I will I will.
~tilts head~ Actually I don't think I'll have a chance to. But on the other hand as we've observed, the fear exists as a result of someone's complete idiocy. So long as everyone else is more sensible, I've nothing to be frightened of. Right? Right.


  • Current Music
    'Losing Sight', Zoot Woman.
(I've tried patience)


Just spoke to wildeabandon. I love her so, so much.
Wow. The three people I love most in the world and I get to speak to them all today...~smile, bounce~

I'm in an odd situation. It's currently going the way I think I want it to go. But there's also a significant part of me that wants to reverse it completely. I doubt that part will win, but suddenly thinking about it, I was surprised to find that I have an absolute conviction that, if I wanted, I could get it to go any way I wanted it to.
Power? Me? Scary. ~smile~ But I never feel this kind of confidence in myself. Generally I realise that having confidence in myself would be a positive thing, but over this, I'm not sure.

It's not my fault, anyway. I'm not the one confusing me. Hah. ~g~

And I have coke, and things are (mostly) good, and stalkage is happening (that "arms of Morpheus" line from earlier is cracking me up now, I didn't quite mean this one), and I'll be talking to giolla soon, hopefully, so, yay!

Must think about this power business, though. Yes. ~serious expression~

  • Current Music
    Frighteningly, the Inspector Gadget theme. Eeeeek.