April 30th, 2002

(I've tried patience)

I had a fun dream last night...

...prompted by a text message I got sometime (I really must learn to stop replying to them while I'm still asleep - once again I've no idea what I said).
I dreamed that this was all being done on purpose. And I woke up and thought, if this is a test, I've failed. Darn. And went back to sleep, where the dreams were weirder and less painful.
Somewhere in the night I lost Steve and Cilla - I was expecting to, though - and the John and Nick I was trying to be wouldn't stay. I've no idea who I kept waking up as.

~smiles~ Now for a morning of "Oooh, who's that?" I think.
Later : But seriously, who is that? I could swear I've seen that face somewhere around LJ...~thinks~

You know when you go to the dentist and they inject local anaesthetic and then do whatever they're doing, and you know it *ought* to hurt and so it's really weird that it doesn't? I feel like that. I know how much I should be hurting, but I'm not. ~s~ It's odd.

E.
x
  • Current Music
    Something by Alison Moyet that I wish I owned.
(I've tried patience)

Go me!

Found him...~smile~
Didn't take me long...I impress myself...~g~
Wow. Six objects of stalkage? More than I can cope with, surely...~s~

Later : ~squeaks~
So when you're looking at things trying to work out who someone is, and then you find them, you don't bother to look again, right?
Unless you're told to. So I did. And, um, meep?
Some people are so lucky...~purrs~

E.
x
  • Current Music
    'No Regrets', Midge Ure.
(I've tried patience)

~smile~

My best friend here, Sara, is absolutely wonderful. She has so much faith in me. It's phenomenal and completely unearned, but I appreciate it beyond belief. Go her. ~s~

[God, that *had* to go...awful. ~shudder~]

E.
x
  • Current Music
    'Youth Of The Nation', P.O.D.
(I've tried patience)

Hmm.

Downsides to this anaesthetising business :

1) I can still get angry - possibly more quickly, actually. Have done much this morning. Threatening your friends' friends is Never A Good Thing. Must remember.

2) I can't feel happy, which I should be doing, at the moment. A little, anyway.

3) I can still feel humiliation, because it's something I inflict on myself. I currently want to hide under a blanket and not come out. Oh, and apologise lots, just for being me.

4) I can't get distracted, which I should also be doing.

Also, as my housemistress pointed out, god only knows what it's going to be like when the anaesthetic wears off.

Will spare y'all the long angsty apology for myself. 's only aimed at two people anyway, and one of them knows who both of them are. ~smile~

E.
x
  • Current Music
    'Hella Good', No Doubt.
(I've tried patience)

Strange.

Just had an odd, if good, conversation with two of my friends, about My Violent Past. ~g~ I haven't really spoken to them in far too long.
One good thing about things in netland going up the creek; it does mean I spend more time with my friends here.

E.
x
  • Current Music
    'Shake Ur Body', Shy Fx.
(I've tried patience)

Love is...

OK. I'm just odd.
This friend of mine, who is so crazy about the person who's such an emotional vampire? I used to have fairly strong feelings for them. And it hurts, still, to watch them get so worked up over someone so worthless. But I'm beginning to wonder if I only get angry about it because I cared for them - still do, I suppose.
I don't want that to be the case. I want my anger to have some justification, not be just based on my volatile emotions.
Bother. ~sigh~
When they talk about this person, if you didn't know them - either of them - you'd believe they were the greatest person that ever lived.
I was once good friends with a friend of theirs, who went further to making me believe they were a genuinely decent person than anything my friend has said or the person themself has done.
~shrug~ I miss that friendship. Friendships like that are damn hard to come by. It started as a screaming match. ~g~ Then a sarcasm war. And suddenly it was a friendship.
I want another one like that. I've a friendship that has gone from tolerance through vitriol to unqualified love, but the ones that start with sheer bitchiness - are founded, indeed, on both parties' ability to scratch each other's eyes out if they chose - are wonderful. Although they can never last, I guess. I had a similar friendship with Gemma, here, before the events of the past two years. ~smile~
I do miss that friendship. More than I realised, actually, before I started writing this.
Hmm. Perhaps I should try to get back in touch with them.
Later : Have found a possible e-mail address. Wish me luck. ~s~

Update : Sigh. Address failed. Perhaps we're not meant to find each other again.
It's a shame though, such a shame. I miss the bitch. ~laughs~ We had good times. Guess I should just remember those.

E.
x
  • Current Music
    'Maneater', Hall & Oates. Someone was singing it.