April 23rd, 2002

I can fly!


This entry was going to be titled
"What a difference a day makes...."
and would have read
"...well, not really, but my god, what a difference a number makes. I finally feel like less than just #247 in a list of wide-eyed girls..."

And then I got an e-mail, and, just, oh....~watches coherence fly out of window; waves~

So, so, so anyway...~distracted~

There was a point to this entry once. It was something to do with generally feeling better today than I have for the past week; oh yes, and that it was odd to have that tempered by jealousy, because one line from a poem is going round and round my head and every time I think it it cuts deeper and more painfully into my heart. But, um, I kind of don't care right now, so if y'all don't mind I'm going to be curled up in a corner going "eep".
Probably in a good way.

Oh. My.

  • Current Music
    'Kiss Kiss', Holly Valance.
(I've tried patience)

Oh. Um, eek?

It's suddenly occurred to me that I can't have been careful. Or not careful enough, at any rate. And this horrifies me, because I had no idea what I should have done, or not done, to avoid this. And oh, this I wanted to avoid.
It was already too much. Already the only way I could have dealt with it would be to simply slip into character. Already a total impossibility for me to cope as myself; my mind would, will, snap like a shatterproof ruler.
And now this.
What did I do?
Or what didn't I do? Or what did I say, or not say? And - why don't I know?
Christ. Even I know there's something wrong there.

  • Current Music
    The same.
(I've tried patience)

I can't do this.

I can't. I can't. I.

~shuts off from everything and everybody and hides in the corner shaking like a seven-year-old~

(Like a seven-year-old, which is hugely unsurprising since the memories this has stirred up are from when I was six or seven. Heh. You really don't want to know. Trust me - I don't want to know, either.)

  • Current Mood
(I've tried patience)

Or, to put it another, more prosaic way :

I've mentioned before on LJ that I occasionally (read : often) suffer from sudden onsets of "the world is all against me, I want to die" melodrama that irritate me almost as much as they do you.
I'm as incapable of actually staying away from LJ as ciphergoth - "Hi, my name is Emily Woolf and I am a LiveJournal addict" - but I'm not going to post anything until my wretched melodrama has gone away, because it's just likely to either annoy or worry people and I've no desire to do that.

So, plainly put : I'm still here, but you're spared my whining.
Aren't you all grateful? ~g~

  • Current Music
    'Hungry', Kosheen. Just seen the video; glorious, gorgeous.