September 19th, 2001

(I've tried patience)

God... voice is gone, my heart is (for the minute) broken, and my mind....well, there's never been any question about my mind.
God, I feel so fucking awful. ~sigh~ I don't know why, I just woke up this morning with a definite feeling of "oh. Shite day alert."
~buries head in hands~ ANYway.

Last night was an educational experience! I sat in May's room and she played me many songs from bands that she likes, and even Jewel got up the courage (in the face of I, the scary lesbian, tee hee) to play me a couple of songs. Some respect, if you please, to the Deftones, (Jewel's favourite band), who did a pretty decent cover of "Nightboat" and a very good cover of "The Chauffeur" (both DD).
I was most impressed, I think, by a song by the much-slashed band Orgy - it was so early-80s-futurist that I find it hard to believe there's been no Numan influence in there somewhere. Tasha's been making me listen to Boy Hits Car (of all the charming names) and the guy's voice is very cool indeed. May and Jewel are overfond of an insane Armenian metal band called System Of A Down. They're appalling, but very, very funny.

Anywho. I'd better go find out what lessons are going to be further wrecking this day.

  • Current Music
    'In The End', Linkin Park. Oh my oh my, so beautiful.
(I've tried patience)


It hasn't been too bad a day I suppose...I have such random lessons on a Wednesday. But ANYway and HEIGH ho, I've got through them. Every day, every single day brings me closer to the day I leave this school. I just have to keep thinking that.

Claudia left school the other day. She's been here longer than me and I guess she just couldn't take it any more, but it seems an awful waste. We miss her.

~thinks~ Last night I hung around Tasha and May's room with Alex and Jewel and Gilly and Christie. We listened to music. We chatted. We laughed a lot. It was really really nice, one of those times when the word "nice" means a good thing, warm and fuzzly and stuff. You know?
Today, Jewel has talked to me a couple of times and even volunteered a picture of tthis guy she likes, she actually *wanted* to show me.
Perhaps things are actually going to be ok with her. Everyone please keep their fingers crossed for me.

I recorded a couple of songs from May's CDs this morning, too. I'm impressed. Even the stunningly awful Crazytown managed to yeild a song I like. ~s~ Well done, boys.

~sigh~ Well...I suppose I'd something else. ~g~ Dunno what.

But before I do. ~ggls~ Go here. Go "aww". Go look at more stuff there. YAY SANDRA! YAY SANDRA! ~holds up little Sandra banner~

A-HA! More, I think.

  • Current Music
    'Evil Angel', Rufus Wainwright
(I've tried patience)

Another survey! ~hugs asrana~ Yay! Oh, and one other thing, first...

Eeeeeeeek. ~is red~ Ashlin just caught me staring.
I feel like such a sleaze!

But anyway :

[1.] What's one thing you wish you could do but can't? Draw.
[2.] What time of the day do you like to take a shit? I don't schedule my day around bathroom breaks. Batman does, though. Those lycra suits...~shakes head~ Bad choice.
[3.] What is your ideal marriage location? Nowhere, thanks.
[4.] Which musical instrument do you wish you could play? Guitar - then I wouldn't need anyone else to form a band with.
[5.] What's your favorite sexual position? Honestly? At opposite ends of the earth. ~g~ No sex please, we're British.
[6.] Favorite fabric? Satin.
[7.] Something you love and hate? As in something I both love and hate, or one of each? Oh well, if it's a), Jewel, and if it's b) then Synthpop and Garage. ~g~
[8.] What kind of bedding do you use? Fuck knows, it's a duvet. ~g~ I do, however, own some black satin sheets.
[9.]What kind of soap do you use? Camay Classic, because the adverts are one of my happiest childhood memories. And no, I'm not kidding, and yes, I am weird.
[10.] Do you tell your friends about your sex life? What sex life? I just invent sex lives for my friends' favourite rock stars and tell them and scare them. Hehehe.
[11.] What's the one language you want to learn? Italian.
[12.] How do you eat an apple? Only very occasionally, and only if it's green, and then warily.
[13.] What do you order at a bar? Coke with no ice and NO LEMON, dammit. Who the heck wants *lemon* in Coke?
[14.] Have you ever pierced your body parts? Not me personally, no. ~g~ Someone else pierced my ears for me.
[15.] Do you have tattoos? Not yet.
[16.] Would you ever admit to having done plastic surgery of any kind if confronted? If I'd had it done, sure. I don't have secrets, remember?
[17.] What's one of the "funnest" things you've ever done? Funnest? Been to a Duran Duran concert and got grinned at by The Rhodes. ~faints~ (SO still not over that.) Last night was pretty fun, too. ~s~
[18.] Do you drive stick? Is this another American reference I'd only get if I were over 20 anyway?
[19.] What's one trait you hate in a person? Sloaneship.
[21.] What kind of watch(es) do you wear? It's gold-plated and it was my mum's.
[22.] Most frivolous purchase? New one every week. ~g~ They usually turn out to have some use or other.
[23.] Do you consider yourself materialistic? Extremely.
[24.] What do you cook the best? Whatever I turn my hand to, but since that has been very little, that's not saying much. (Yes, asrana, I *can* cook, I just don't like to.) I'm glad I'm not Nick, whose answer to this question would presumably be "furniture".
[25.] Favorite writing instrument? Sheaffer calligraphy fountain pen.
[26.] Do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
[27.] Do you have anything monogrammed? Yes, but it was my grandmother's.
[28.] Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? HELL yeah, if I thought it'd suit me nearly as well as it does her.
[29.] What`s one car you will never buy? A Skoda. Even if it looked good, I couldn't bear the humiliation associated with the name. (Darling.)
[30.] Have you ever done drugs? I had paracetamol earlier today.
[31.] What kind of books do you like to read? Fantasy. And music books.
[32.] If you won the lottery, what would you do first? Go round every record shop in the *world*, man.
[33.] Burial or cremation? I can't bear the thought of cremation. I never could, but once I'd seen someone go to be cremated...I was a fucking conveyor belt. It was like a sketch from Monty Python. It was horrible. I don't think anything's ever upset me so much. ~cries~ So - burial. Definitely.
[34.] How many online journals do you read regularly? My friends list, which changes. And occasionally I go and read some of their friends'.
[35.] What's one thing you're a sore loser at? *Everything*.
[36.] If you don`t like a person, how do you show it? By what she calls my "pathetic put-downs". ~g~
[37.] How many drinks before you're tipsy? I don't drink.
[38.] Favorite kind of porn? It's all just *so* hysterically funny.
[39.] Do you have problems changing clothes in front of friends? Yes. I wish I had a lock on my door here. ~sigh~
[40.] Do you cry in front of friends? More in front of enemies, but yes, all the time.
[41.] What kind of first impression do you think you give to people? Big, generally. ~s~
[42.] What's one thing you like to do alone? RP.
[43.] What's the worst thing you ever said to someone? I haven't said it yet. But until I do, it's "If your family weren't so fucking horrible, I wouldn't say nasty things about them."
[44.] Are you a giver or a taker? Mainly a taker, I think.
[45.] What have you stolen before? Many, many things. Never from a shop though - except a record and a record cover.
[46.] When's the right time to go to the bathroom in front of your significant other?, never? What a bizarre question. (Strange, strange, *strange* people excepted of course.)
47.] Favorite communication method? Hugs are good, but I rarely get to give them. Oh, I know! Notes. I love writing notes. Notes are wonderful.
[48.] What is one thing you don't leave home without? A walkman of some kind, and many things to play on it.
[49.] How often do you have sex? Never if I'm me. If I'm someone else...well, it depends who that someone is.
[50.]What's the most painful experience you've ever had? I can't remember most of it. Which is very annoying, at the moment.

Some idiot left a Stanley blade right here by the computer....~sssigh~

  • Current Music
    'In The End', Linkin Park.
(I've tried patience)

Oh, and...

...further to that earlier question of whether I'm missing something on the whole "I want sex" question, and that business with Odile saying "when you just want something inside you" and me having no idea what she was talking about, I realised a couple of minutes ago (reading Ailei's fic The Devil Wants, incidentally) that I *did* know what she meant - but only when I'm someone else.
I guess I was just born to be a character vessel. ~s~ I don't mind a bit, and I'm really glad I appear to understand. ~thinks~ There was a whole episode at my house a while back where we were having *serious* trouble with Oz from Buffy, who'd gone down with something really *weird* which we originally put down to his being a werewolf and thus generically weird anyway, but eventually he recovered enough to talk and tell us that what he'd felt, what he'd been in so much pain with, was a huge kind of clawing emptiness that stretched all the way through him. And hurt.
Ailei just wrote Harry (I still can't get used to her Harry, but I *do* love him) saying something similar, and...I get it. ~s~ *I* just don't feel it. But I think that's probably a blessing, not a curse.


  • Current Music
    The same.
(I've tried patience)


...I *think* Jewel just said "goodnight" to me, which is more of a concession to friendship than anything else has been so far. So, yay.

However, going to have to wear something long-sleeved tomorrow.

Why do I do it? Why? I don't understand.

  • Current Music
    'Evil Angel', Rufus Wainwright.