August 29th, 2001

(I've tried patience)

The sun rises on another day of emotional rollercoasterness, methinks.

~sigh~ I can feel that heaviness pressing against my lungs again, and the tears wanting to come already. The synth I'm listening to wants to breathe me but I feel like I can't let it in. I'm both ecstatic and totally destroyed by last night - I can see pieces of me scattered all across my bedroom. I feel excited about Hedwig - there was another mini-preview on TV this morning - but I'm also afraid that I won't like it, and more than that, I'm completely terrified because I have to get to the cinema by myself, and I don't know that I can do that. I'm worried about asrana and I'm also annoyed because she should have called me, I'd have smoothed things over with my dad, I say I'm there for my friends and then they don't use me. I'm anxious - sadly enough - about the next BMB strip - those bastards saved me from dying (no, really) so I feel more for them than I really ought to.
The rage from yesterday has dissipated into a kind of randomised jealousy, not only of the person the rage was directed at, but of several other people as well. I hate jealousy.
I've also got that feeling of complete uselessness, where you know you should be able to do something and you can't. Like when you can't move in a dream, apparently, although that's never happened to me. I feel like one tiny kid with a pot plant competing against Capability Brown. (Would all those to whom that made sense please raise your hand?)
But I'm overjoyed that the CD that's playing at the moment is finally getting under my skin. I didn't like it at all for ages, and I so wanted to, because they're supposed to be the new early 80s-type band (Zoot Woman) and I just wasn't getting on with them, but last night something suddenly clicked. Hurrah.

So...depressed, ecstatic, destroyed, excited, afraid, terrified, anxious, worried (forgot worried), jealous, helpless, and overjoyed. I just love being me.
Anyway.

E.
x
  • Current Music
    Zoot Woman.
(I've tried patience)

Damn it!

If I wasn't already worried and frightened enough...~cries~ I hadn't even thought of that!

~breathes~ ~tells self not to panic~ ~doesn't listen to self~ ~panics~

Damn it!

E.
x
  • Current Music
    Zoot Woman, 'Nobody Knows (Part Two)' (synthy magic)
(I've tried patience)

Song lyric...

It's just that there was I,
Pretending I was tied to the kitchen sink,
And I'm thinking
"This stuff's so kind to my hands,
I'm never going to change to a different brand."

And on a different day,
We took a small boat, and rowed it away,
And you said
"Your life's too good to be true...
...I think I'll ruin it for you."
--'Dream Kitchen', Frazier Chorus.
  • Current Music
    Zoot Woman, 'Living In A Magazine' (pretentious cacophony)
(I've tried patience)

What a great day. ~g~

I had lots of music-journo-type things to say here, but I can't really be bothered, to be honest. Watched TOTP2 - Carter USM! ROFL They crack me up...anyone who can jump Philip Schofield from behind and not be scarred for life...

And now I'm *cold*. ~looks cross~ I'm *never* cold!

Nick and John are back to their usual loving selves. God *bless* Reprise. It always puts me in the right frame of mind to be them when they're happy. At least, it does if I don't read too much of it.

I don't feel loved any more, but I do feel...cared for. Which isn't anything like feeling loved, or nearly as good, but it's more than I usually feel, so...

I seem to have dredged up an old art that I thought I'd forgotten. ~ggls~ And I have a Pacman board game! I spent all afternoon in a charity shop, sorting stuff. I love sorting! Yay!

And I'm really starting to like Zoot Woman now. Definitely a good sign.

Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to get dad to put that new CD rack up, and everything'll be *really* good.

Yay!

E.
x
  • Current Music
    Zoot Woman, 'Information First' (Wistful pop)
(I've tried patience)

~rolls eyes~ Bloody Metallica...

"V is for virtue, so I ain't gonna hurt you. E is for even if you want me to."

That's one of the coolest lyrics I've ever heard. ~applauds the Met~

Oh, dear. ....Lars?

E.
x
  • Current Music
    Silence between Zoot Woman tracks.
(I've tried patience)

Oh. God.

Despite what this entry says, it's actually twenty past ten pm or so. And I'm pretty tired 'cause I was up at five.

And my poor, tired little mind just can't cope with all this.

I mean, sheesh, I've had my emotions messed around with before, I've had them stripped and hung up and flayed and then spattered with vinegar, but this is...something else. It's something else because the last people that did it, I *knew* they were doing it on purpose. Tonight, I just can't be sure. And it hurts so fucking much, because I so want it to be...well, the way I want it to be...and I keep thinking "What can I do, what can I give him, to make him feel the same way that I do?"
And a tiny tiny part of the time, he acts as though he does.
And the rest of the time I spend with little little pieces of my heart breaking off, and tears flooding my keyboard, dammit.

Oh well. It's been pretty good for the last thirty minutes, so...that's a good sign.

E.
x
  • Current Music
    Zoot Woman
(I've tried patience)

Gosh...

.....
.....
.....well, *that's* a first.

~ggls helplessly~

*Gosh*.

E.
x

(Please don't laugh at the mood. Please don't laugh at the mood. *Please* don't laugh at the mood.)
  • Current Music
    Sound of neurons going "What the *fuck*?" in my brain.