DurAnorak (duranorak) wrote,

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It's a really strange day...

...she said, trying to find a way to combine everything she wants to say so that she doesn't post a) too much or b) too many times.

Or I could just tell you to

I had an interesting night last night. Let's say I dreamed that I belonged to someone completely, and it was...right? Or something. It's not a situation I think about often; my mind usually shies away from it. There's an X-Files fanfic I read a while back that seriously confused my ideas about various things. I've ended up ignoring it.
But last night I dreamed and...I've found myself breaking down from time to time this morning just thinking about it. At the moment, maybe only at the moment, there is nothing more that I want than to be owned, and that by someone who knows what the heck they're doing and doesn't have any trouble with doing it...
Ach. I cut myself a little yesterday, and I *know* He'd think I was idiotic for doing that - 'lots of people do it, doesn't change anything, isn't even unique, etc etc' - and He'd tell me it was idiotic and then He'd deal with the fact that I'd done it and...sigh.
Am I just talking nonsense?
~laughs~ Well, at least now I have something to tell me whether I am or not. [NB, won't make sense unless you're me, no point trying to fathom, etc]
And I've got five e-mails sitting in my inbox here, and my heart skips every time I look at them. I'm shaky, tearful, I want to hide somewhere, but I know precisely where I want to hide and I am not welcome there.
If I didn't know my luck I'd presume myself safe in the knowledge that he doesn't have time to be reading this at the moment. I daren't say all I'm feeling because I think he'd laugh at me, yet if I really didn't want him to know, I'd just mark this post so that he couldn't read it. Right? Mmm.
On top of that I've got a great deal of guilt, which in its turn is making me want someone to deal with it for me, which...well, quite.
Then of course there's the rush of complete disbelief-followed-closely-by-elation that someone I practically deify is writing to me.
Oh, god, I think I'm going to go watch television.
At least I get to see Lord Of The Rings again tonight. ~g~
Is there really no charm in taking and then discarding an innocent?


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