DurAnorak (duranorak) wrote,

I just can't seem to get back into updating.

I am at work, waiting for the caffeine to kick in so I can start up again. Tonight I'm going to see Prince Caspian with clockworkwasp. Last week I made cupcakes with asrana. Next Monday scarethewolves is coming to visit from Canada. All these things are excellent things, but I can't think of a reason why anyone but the people involved would care.

I don't wish to be a whiny thirteen-year-old at all but I'm not doing all that well at the moment, generally. It's nearly a year since I started working here and yes, two years ago I couldn't have dreamed of managing that, but it still seems like there's so far to go until I can consider myself human. I still have tiny panic attacks when I have to go and ask the men downstairs to let me into my office. Yesterday and the day before I slept in the afternoons and cried at the thought of getting out of bed again. I'm so much better and still so much worse than I'm supposed to be, and considering how far I've come, the thought of how much further there is to go is horribly daunting. :/ I would like to be a functioning member of society. I would like to not have the guy who lives above me come down to tell me how he's having his bathroom repaired over the weekend so it'll be noisy, explain to him about The Guy With The Window Issue, have him be lovely and reassuring at me, and then when he's left have to shut myself in the bathroom to stop myself running after him to say, it's all right, you don't have to treat me as though I'm human, I know it must sicken you to live above something like me, it's okay, you needn't pretend.

I would like not to feel like that. I don't know how to get there. I would like to update my damn LJ with something interesting. Not sure how to manage that either.

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