And that's why I don't join in these discussions. Not because they make me angry, because they make many people angry and anger is an important response to injustice and in debate, but because I don't know why they make me angry, and because they make me so angry that all I want to do is punch everyone to death while shouting, shut up, shut up, shut up.
No, honestly. And that level of rage isn't a) sane or b) conducive to rational debate. So until I find out why it's there, I don't know how to talk about what I feel.
It is not your responsibility to help me understand myself - that's all me, I know that. But I would like help. I would like to be asked questions, and argued with, and challenged, because most of what I believe, I believe in error (and I know that, too, which is infuriating, because I don't know how to change it). Those of you who've been here with me before, feel free to go on your merry way if you like. I know how frustrating it must be to hear me still thinking the same things after all this time.
You'll note I've not actually said what I think or believe, here.
I don't know how to.
I don't know how to phrase it, how to express it, and I shy away in absolute horror from the concept of staking a claim to beliefs I not only can't justify but can't trace the origins of. That are conflicting. With one another. And make no sense.
So I don't know why I'm writing this at all, really, except as an expression of extreme frustration with everything. I want to talk about this. I just don't know whether it is, actually, possible for me to.