DurAnorak (duranorak) wrote,

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You Are Wrong About Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Because :

I thought I might end up having to write this. It's a handy list of the kind Scott Adams might make, were he as bowled over by Charlie as I was.
I'll probably have to add to it, too, so you're welcome to comment with Why You Didn't Like It and I'll add Why You Are Wrong to the list.

1. Johnny Depp's main objective in any given film is not, actually, to be fanciable. It's to be good. If you think he doesn't look hot in a frock coat, purple rubber gloves and a top hat, try remembering that he's an actor and thinking about how good he is at that, instead.

2. ...if you think he doesn't look hot in a frock coat, purple rubber gloves and a top hat, it may be time to get your eyes tested again.

3. Tim Burton is known for a creepingly insane, artistically detached style of film-making. Complaining about Charlie being cold or unrealistic is paying Tim Burton a compliment, not damning him as a failure. Unrealistic is what he was aiming for. It usually is.

4. Roald Dahl was a genius, but an extremely warped and twisted genius. He hated the first film and would have liked this one far more, not least for its detatchment from reality and the odd unreal nature of a lot of the scenes and characters.

5. The Oompa Loompas in this one are unbelievably fantastic.

6. Yes, they are.

7. Their songs only seem 'less memorable' to you because you have been listening to the ones from the first film for thirty years. Also because the ones from the first film are all made-up verses set to the same incredibly annoying bit of music. The songs in this one are a) accurate - the words are the ones from the book; b) joyfully brilliant - Danny Elfman is god; c) entirely memorable - I could sing them all at you from memory right now.

8. Nothing can be bad about a film of Charlie that does not have 'Cheer Up Charlie' in it.

9. You only like the first film better because you first saw it when you were [insert young age here].

10. Mike Teavee being a superbright geek who obsessively plays video games is an absolutely excellent piece of updating. Whining of 'but his name is Teavee' will not be tolerated.

11. Veruca Salt and her father are among the most genuinely realistic parts of the film. Trust me.

12. The added Wonka backstory isn't the best thing in cinematic history, but it made both me and the people sitting next to me in the cinema cry, and is therefore capable of doing its job. It will be one of the bits kids grow up remembering.

13. This version is not a remake or an update of the first film. As I'm sure you know, half the people involved in this one had never seen the first film, they just wanted to make another film based on a book that they loved.

14. The ending is perfect.

15. The business added to the first film about Slugworth, and the scene in which Charlie and his grandpa drink some of the Fizzy Lifting Drink and are therefore shown to be Only Human After All, were weaknesses of the first film - and strong reasons why Roald Dahl hated it. Charlie is a perfect child. Never mind that such things don't exist in reality - this isn't about reality. The intention is that Charlie is perfect. Anything that takes away from that, takes away from the original story.

16. Having a discussion about whether Oompa Loompas are politically correct or not is just plain ridiculous, but I will point out that the ones in this film bear a far less striking resemblance to white men blacked up for comedy purposes than the ones in the first film did.

Bring it on.


I do still love you all, you know that, right?
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