DurAnorak (duranorak) wrote,

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Attn : blackmetalbaz, lovelyoliver, and...

...anyone else with a penchant for truly bloody awful horror movies. Down in Sussex, where I live and have just returned from, there is a shop called the Retro Market which sells, basically, everything. Including an apparently infinite number of godawful DVDs, mostly horror - at least, he says he can get anything, but I'm listing what he's currently got (with IMDB links and review quotes & stuff for comic effect) in the event that Baz, Oliver, or any other of you good folk would like me to pick any of them up when I'm down there on the 18th/19th.

It's a long list, but since I've quoted things, probably also good for a laugh. There's a couple of things that are even credible.

(All the DVDs are £5, apart from the Vipco ones which are £10 each, something the reasonableness of which I have no idea, so don't be outraged in my direction. :)

A Force Of One - Chuck Norris ist...DER BULLDOZER.
Berserker - The Nordic Curse - Six young adults in the woods run afoul of a berserker, a viking warrior who dons the fur and snout of a bear, and are slain in turn by him.
Beyond The Door II - Look! Actual credibility! Sort of.
Blind Date - Could be any one of several on IMDB, but, blah, girl goes on blind date, probably dies, may happen several times to different girls, blah blah blah. Point horror with a camcorder.
Bloodfist - "Seven sequels (to date) have followed "Bloodfist" -- most of them have nothing to do with the first one. They're all better than this movie."
Body Melt - The first phase is hallucinogenic... the second phase is glandular... and the third phase is... BODY MELT! "In one subplot, two lustful teens are off to donate sperm but get lost and end up with a bizarre backwoods family with big welts on their faces. The teens hang out with the inbred yokels for a while, watching them eat kangaroo glands and riding in the truck from "Even Dwarves Started Small"."
Boggy Creek II - "Oh, why continue? Mike Nelson and Little Mechanical Creatures put this lame beast out of its misery and hopefully discourage Pierce from any further filming endeavors. Hopefully."
Bride Of Chucky - "Hey, you must also adore the cogent and delightfully deviant love-hate relationship between Chucky and Tiffany."
Cabin Fever - "They arrive at their rented cabin and begin to party – a party that is broken by a sick man who stumbles into their midst. They try to fend him off but accidentally kill him."
Please don't click the next link if you're scared of clowns. Thank you.
Camp Blood II - "I have no clue where they found the actors at but it was very obvious that they didn't know what the heck they were doing. The directors tried to spice the movie up with a nude shower scene and peirced nipples......big friggin deal the movie still sucks!!"
Cat O' Nine Tails - Look! More credibility! Mind you, "Argento himself said this is his most disappointing film."
Class Of Nuke 'Em High - Though the plant officials deny that there are any problems, Crissy gives birth to a bloodthirsty mutant who immediately begins eating everyone in the school.
Conan The Destroyer - Well, it's a Conan film. What did you expect?
Cutting Moments - In the center of a monotonous suburban existence, Sarah lives silently and in subservience to her icy husband Patrick. Actually, I think *I* might get this one.
Cyborg 3 : The Recycler - "Worth watching only for the unimaginable hilarity of a woman giving birth to a baby in the shape of a grey tin can with wires dangling off the edge of it."
Dead & Rotting - "First off, the plot is so stupid it's not even funny. Secondly, the acting is pathetic even for a super-low-budget movie. Thirdly, the "Monsters" in the film couldn't even scare a pre-schooler! I'd be more entertained sitting in silence than watching this again."
Demonicus - James is possessed by the spirit of a gladiator and slaughters his friends to bring the gladiator back from the dead. I suspect this film of being quite bad.
Demon Slayer - Some places are born evil. Five troubled teens are destined to find it.
The Dummy - "What a disaster! The Dummy must be one of the worst films I've ever seen, all genres included."
Eaten Alive : Horror Hotel - Judd runs the Starlight Hotel out in some sort of swampy place, and is unfortunately a few slices short of a loaf. He has a crocodile conveniently placed on the other side of the front porch railing.
Edge Of Terror - "Not bad at all. Before I forget, the movie is shot in beautiful greek surroundings which are stunning in themselves."
Evilspeak - "Killer Pigs From Hell!!!!"
The Frightening - "A very bad horror movie. An ineptly made film in every department. This is from the guy who did that laugh-out-loud, truly horrible mummy movie a couple of years back. The one with the pot-bellied mummy. The one that was shot in someone's home, which the movie attempts to pass off as a university museum!"
Halloween 4 : The Return of Michael Myers - "He was seen emerging from a hospital as a human fireball at the end of art 2 and yet he seems to have escaped more or less unscathed. And howcome he can see anything when he was blinded in Part 2 just before being roasted alive?"
Halloween 5 - "The concept of Jamie having a psychic bond with her deranged uncle is interesting, but it's all completely ruined by the constant unfunny attempts at humour, the tedious padding and the lack of likeable would-be victims."
Head Cheerleader, Dead Cheerleader - "Head Director, Dead Director." Also, best. title. ever.
The Horrible Dr. Bones - "It isn't totally Horrible!"
House II : The Second Story - Doom with a View - The new owner of a sinister house gets involved with reanimated corpses and demons searching for an ancient Aztec skull with magic powers. "Pretty good for a sequel!"
The Last Broadcast - It took the Police two days to find the body parts. It took the coroner four days to put them back together...
The Living Dead at the Manchester Morgue - Classic. Unbeknownst to him, the real culprits are the living dead, brought to life with a thirst for human flesh by chemical pesticides being used by area farmers.
The Mangler 2 : Graduation Day - "What was with that foreign chef with a barely foreign accent?"
Maniac Cop 2 - Officer Matt Cordell, the undead cop, returns from the grave. Again.
Nightmare At Noon - Scientists poison the water supply of a small town, turning the residents into homicidal maniacs who kill each other and anybody who passes through.
Nightmare In A Damaged Brain - "He has been supposedly cured of his psychological disorder due to a new magical medicine. In actuality the cure doesn't work very well, because [he] starts killing people."
Offerings - Remember him before he dismembers you! "Ten years later, he decides to escape the mental hospital (the fall gave him brain damage [!]) and kill those who did this to him. He stabs his nurse and leaves."
Parts : The Clonus Horror - The ethical and moral values are explored as the escapee known as Richard returns full circle back to Clonus, only to find his girlfriend lobotimized for government security purposes.
Phantom Of The Mall : Eric's Revenge - At Midwood Mall Prices Aren't The Only Thing Being Slashed
Piranha - When flesh-eating piranhas are accidently released into a summer resort's rivers, the guests become their next meal.
Playgirls And The Vampire - "Elsewhere the non-sequiturs can be amazing ("I just don't understand it"/ "What don't you understand?"/ "Nothing, nothing at all" is one worthy of Ed Wood)."
Profondo Rosso - At last, more credibility. But not for long.
Puppet Master II - The puppets return, this time they hunt some Paranormal Researchers to take their brain fluid for the dead/living puppet master, Andre Toulon.
Rawhead Rex - "Dull terror pic in which a big damn demon is released from underground and runs amok in a small Irish town. The make-up is rubbery, the pacing is awful, and despite two big fangs, the monster resorts to strangling and slamming people into walls to kill them (yawn)."
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians - "To most people, it's a film version of your great Aunt's wallpaper - it's just there on the TV, while far more interesting things are happening in the carpet below your feet."
The Sorcerers - Boris Karloff He Turns Them On...He Turns Them Off...to live...love...die or KILL!
Stepfather II - Tonight - Daddy's Coming Home - To Slice Up More Than Just The Cake!
The Toxic Avenger - Melvin was a 90lb. weakling until nuclear waste transformed him into...
The Toxic Avenger Part III - Toxie finds he has nothing to do as a superhero, as he has ridden his city of evil. So he decides to go to work for a major corporation, which he discovers may be the evilest of all his adversaries.
Troll 2 - "Watch this film if you want to see: neon-coloured food, children in masks and dressed in sacks charging around a forest set to a dodgy 1990-theme, awful make up, worse acting, even worse dialogue, the funniest yokels ever (including Sheriff Freak - 'nuff said) and the mightiest weapon ever seen in any film ever."
Warlock : The Armageddon - The Son of Satan attempts to bring his father to Earth with the aid of some mystic stones.

Plus the Vipco titles :

Trail Beyond
City Of The Living Dead
The House Of Lost Sould
House On The Edge Of The Park
Grave Of The Vampire
The Nostril Picker
The Mutilator
Eaten Alive
Island Of Death
The Case Of The Bloody Iris
The Incredible Melting Man
Drive In Massacre
The Sweet House Of Horrors

Tee hee, hee. 'Head Cheerleader, Dead Cheerleader'. I almost want to buy it. Only, not.


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