DurAnorak (duranorak) wrote,
DurAnorak
duranorak

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Jettisoning some of my thoughts.

Apparently I've got some kind of deal with myself that as long as I filter away any gratuitously cryptic or pretentious toss during the week, I can do what I like in public at the weekend because fewer people are likely to be reading. Nobody's complained so far. ~s~

I'll write up today (and yesterday) properly tomorrow, probably trying to keep the pretentiousness to a minimum even though today was such a strange day, in such a strange place. Crystal Palace. I've never been there before. I'll definitely be going back, though, when it's less cold, when I'm less ill, to sit and write and stare at people and wonder how they can jog through the gardens so totally oblivious to the bizarre place they're jogging through. There are so many ghosts. I want to take arkady there because she's the only person I can think of who I know will believe me, but I don't know whether it would upset her. It upset me, a little.

I felt someone was missing today, and although I know it would have been very weird if they'd been there, I still half-wished they were. I think it's just that I've seen so many photographs of them wrapped up against the cold, walking in places, lit by green and winter sunlight, that I kept expecting them to be around the corner. They weren't. I think they'd have liked it there, though; they'd have been impressed by the dinosaurs, and the random neglected stairways that no longer lead anywhere. They'd have laughed at childeric's antics in the maze and thought of something to say about the headless statue with neon pink breasts, something funnier than any of us could have come up with.
It's a strange world, this world in which they weren't with us by default. I don't like it, and I think it means there's something deeply and fundamentally wrong at the heart of everything.

It was such a tiring day, and I've invited a similarly tiring one tomorrow, because I wasn't entirely thinking about what I was doing - I hope I'll get by ok, and I hope I'm not any more ill tomorrow. People looked after me wonderfully today, which was nice as when I'm ill it's all I want, to sit quietly in a corner while people bring me hot drinks. zoo_music_girl is lovely, and has more music that I like than I ever thought was possible. I couldn't listen to enough of it today, though, partly because people were talking over it (as is their inalienable right) but more because I wanted to pick everyone up and say "Look, we're leaving now, the girl wants her flat mostly to herself", which I think was true in its way.

~sigh~ While I'm here and reading my Friends page, darling (who is not reading this), please break up with him, he's such a cunt.

I am feeling very lonely (being this cold doesn't help) and like there is little coming my way in terms of future happiness, either short- or long-term. I'll get over it, though, probably, or get used to it - one does one, or the other. My Christmas spirit comes and goes and I half-wish I could run away to Scotland for a few days instead of going to Paris, where the streets are wider than they are in America and twice as impersonal, where nobody talks to anyone and the buildings are grey no matter what colour they're painted.

It's so cold. I wish I were somewhere else.

E.
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