DurAnorak (duranorak) wrote,
DurAnorak
duranorak

It's still bad, guys, and I am at the point of whining about it not being fair. Nowhere in the rules does it say 'you will reach a point where you can successfully go to work and do your job, but the entire rest of the time you will still want to destroy yourself' - I always assumed it was all or nothing, like most things are for me. You know, either I was too mad to work, or I was sane enough to work (even if it's not a proper job, as I am continually reminded) and therefore everything else would sort itself out. This, where I look functional to my boss and my parents but the rest of the time I just want to collapse in on myself, was never something I planned for.

I don't know what to do to get out of this. I know what I want to do, which is to spend a month (three days wasn't long enough) not really seeing anybody other than the people I see at work, quietly sitting indoors drinking tea and doing cross stitch. But I can't make that happen, because people want to see me, and I can't say no to anybody - if I do, they'll never ask again, and at the end of the month I'd have nobody left. I don't really need friends, but I do know some lovely people it would be a shame to let down like that.

There's been a lot of migraines recently, too, which doesn't help. They are the most exhausting damn things, seriously. And I was having a couple of really enjoyable Facebook conversations and I think I've managed to scare off both people, even though I was being really careful. And. I found the perfect flat a month ago, and my parents put in an offer for it, and now the woman whose flat it is can't be reached by the estate agents and I want my flat and it is driving me insane, the end. Whine, whine, whine, whine. Shut up, Emily, god.

I can't believe I still haven't talked about this band that have taken over my life.

E.
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