DurAnorak (duranorak) wrote,
DurAnorak
duranorak

I wish I knew where this violent antipathy towards the world has come from.

I remember not being like this; I remember a time when I wasn't the person out of that XKCD cartoon who can't go to bed because someone is wrong on the internet. I remember it not bothering me that people were wrong about things, and being perfectly happy to just let them get on with being wrong, or try to persuade them to see another point of view if I thought it was worth it. Now if I see someone saying something that doesn't make sense I can't even comment because there is a wall of rage so vast in front of my eyes that I can't see to type actual words.

I've always been quite an angry person, and quite a violent one, but it calmed down a lot in 2007, even though a lot of my life was quite stupid that year, and only started building back up halfway through last year, and I don't know why. Most days at the moment I spend wanting to cry because I'm so angry but the anger has no direction and I don't know what to do with it or how to let it out. (Anyone suggesting sport of any kind, or punching cushions, will be shot. Somehow. I'll work out a system of pulleys.)

There's certainly an argument that helpless rage is a perfectly appropriate response to the world as it currently stands, but I really hate feeling like this. Helpful rage is different - there are things I really like getting angry about, like, you know, Watchmen - but this is overwhelming, and I need a reason why it's here and a way to get rid of it. I wish other people could actually see inside my head and get at the things I can't. There aren't very many of them, but they cause me a lot of trouble.

E.
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