DurAnorak (duranorak) wrote,
DurAnorak
duranorak

Let's go down...to the basement.

Things :

Went for dinner with childeric and zoo_music_girl on Wednesday night, which was lovely, because they are among the many people I adore but just don't see any more owing to mutual decisions that goth clubs should probably be avoided and occasional early nights are quite nice really. (Actually that last isn't mutual, I would stay up until 5am every night if I could manage on that little sleep, but anyway.) It is very strange going round to people's for dinner; it's the sort of thing I think of people in their 20s doing, and in my head I still seem to be neither 'in my 20s' nor, probably, 'people'.

I don't remember how much I've talked about this, but I don't really understand the concept of friendship. LJ Friends are different, of course, and everyone I have on my Flist is in that box, but actual real-life friendship I have no idea about. When I was growing up I was allowed one friend a year, and when I say 'was allowed' I mean that only one person per year could ever deal with my crazy, and they only ever managed to deal with it for a year. :) I don't blame them at all, but it did mean I grew up thinking I was only ever going to be allowed one friend. When I was fifteen or so, I found her - asrana - and I've been searching for other boxes to put other people I'm close to in more or less since then. The inside of my head reads like an opera cast list - "[name], a collector of music." "[name], a rake." "[name], a woman who once wrote about cats." But never 'this person is my friend'. I don't know how to change it, or indeed whether to.

Anyway. Things I did in America included catching up on Heroes, which is...on crack, and becoming obsessed with a Korean and Chinese boyband. I will not wax lyrical on my LiveJournal about how amazing they are because I am still very much in the place of feeling like I shouldn't really say anything at all, to anyone, ever - it's been more than a year now and I don't know how to get out of that place, help - but they are quite extraordinary magic and it's very nice to have a new obsession.

Also, and randomly, as a snapshot of what a crazy crazy teenager I was and for your general bemusement, I had a sudden memory the other morning of what was one of the worst months of my time at Roedean. The backstory involved a girl coming to me as 'the school lesbian' to confess to me that she had feelings for one of her female friends, who was also a friend of mine, and could I please talk to our friend to find out if there was any chance those feelings were returned. They weren't; I passed this back to the girl, who reacted by telling everyone in our year that I'd tried to, uh, 'assault' her. Everyone in our year stopped talking to me. Everyone.
So I trashed their common room. I never used it anyway - they were always watching Friends, or Speed, or...Friends and hardly any of them spoke to me. So I broke things, which is fairly standard stuff. What I can't remember is why I decided to open up all the tea bags and cover the floor in tea leaves, or why it seemed like a good idea to pour salt all over the top of one of the bookcases and write "It's snowing!" in the resultant saltdrift.

Anyone who thinks I am quite mad now should probably take a moment to at least accept that I've come quite a long way. :)

E.
x

PS, has anyone else been past the new National Geographic shop on Regent Street and seen the horses made of wood? I would like to know that it's not just me that has to fight to keep from screaming every time, but it probably is. WHY ARE THEY IN THE WINDOW. Ugh. Stuff of nightmares.
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