I don't know if you've been wondering where I am or not - I know I've been wondering where I am, LiveJournal-wise, why I've not been posting or reading bloody anything at all. I don't really know the answer, except that I don't have anything to say that I think anyone will find interesting, and I'm currently getting far too infuriated by the smallest things in people; the humanity of people, if you like. I would quite like to be surrounded by robots who looked like people but were without their pointlessly obstructive fallibility. Or surrounded by nobody at all. I could go for that at the moment.
Although I didn't feel like that last night. Last night I went to see The Modern again, at what may well have been the best gig I've ever been at in terms of both music and atmosphere - good god the crowd went wild. Which was thrilling. So many things stood out last night, thrown into bizarre, neon-edged relief - the way Robert plays his guitar, more than anything, for some reason, kept filling me with inexplicable joy. I love the way he can make a guitar sound, like a star in its own right, like a soloist, like it's his way of singing. The ridiculous, gorgeous happiness written all over Nathan's face. Chi, smiling at someone in the crowd. One of Bob's sticks flying out into the crowd and hitting me in the chest. Heh.
I'm not going to stop going on about them. They are the best thing that's ever happened to me and I am properly distraught that I couldn't follow them to their afterparty at Kinki - I had a ticket, but due to an unfortunate misunderstanding - and that's the only part of this post that isn't entirely honest - notintheseheels didn't have one and there was no way I was going in without her. I won't pretend to be anything less than heartbroken about it. The hopelessly disorganised queue was nonetheless full of the Beautiful People, my god, was it ever - including the beautiful boy I met on the bus the other week (who recognised me, bless him) and tallulah_aloof, whom I've not seen since I was sixteen. I would very much have liked to spend the night dancing with all of them. I am...fucking heartbroken.
Today has involved watching Queen Of The Damned with notintheseheels and trying to ignore the fact that I was going to lose her to Cambridge again before the end of the day. She's gone now.
Mostly unrelatedly, I am feeling deeply disillusioned with the entire concept of polyamory at the moment. I know it never was what I wanted for myself, but while I wasn't looking I seem to have come to some Decision or other, that I just don't want to play that game any more. The temptation to start being cynical and bitter and disapproving of everyone else who is poly is astoundingly strong - I've often been bemused by some of the people I know who've come out of poly and started being incredibly, rabidly anti-everything to do with it, but now I can understand, or at least empathise. I suppose it's because it feels like failure, admitting that I'm not a magnanimous enough person to cope with sharing someone I love. But really, I never was, and the more I look back at everything I've done, the more I stand amazed at how much of it was just because I thought I had to. It's even kind of horrible. I don't want to feel as though I have to play with anyone who wants to play with me any more. I don't want to feel as though, even if I'm playing with someone I want to be with, I have to do the things they want and the hell with what I want. I don't even know whether I want to be involved in BDSM any more. I just know that I want things to be a lot simpler than they have been. A lot simpler than they are for all the people whose problems I've spent the last howeverlong trying to help untangle.
I'm absolutely miserable, on a general level, at the moment, and I don't expect that to lift any time soon. Do you know what? I've been lying about college. Oh, I'm going in as much as I say I am, and some things are good, but I still don't want to be there and I still don't think I belong there and I still take a knife in every day, just in case, and use it most days. That feels like a failure, too.
What else? I made two CDs on Friday for a lovely guy I met in Cambridge on Tuesday. I'm absurdly worried that he's going to hate everything on them. selectnone is sending me a CD full of music and I'm very grateful. I'm sad that sashajwolf and I had an exchange of words about Cambridge, since we're both right and both wrong. I miss asrana. I'm wondering whether I could make my own hats. I want a week off but I don't know what I'd do with it. I want to go home - things must be bad. I miss dennyd, but when I talked to wildeabandon about that the other week, she told me that he was still a bit angry at me. I don't understand people, especially him.
I'm very lonely, but I don't want company. I don't know what the answer is. I don't know what to do with myself.